Chertoff's Gut Says Home Cooking Provides The Most Risk

If Chertoff's gut tells him the biggest risk of terrorism is coming from the U.S., let's bring the troops home and have them occupy the U.S. Let's fight them here so we don't fight there, or something like that.

Truth is, this administration doesn't have a fucking clue!

Another Cliff Clavin Moment: Un-freaking-believable Ways To Die

Wikipedia has accumulated a list of bizarre deaths. Supposedly somewhat factual, but some lack a certain feeling of credibility.

Wikipedia has organized the deaths in chronological order.

Some of my personal favorites are having your bald head mistaken for a stone by an eagle (458 BC), eating too many lampreys (1135), having a red hot poker stuck up your butt (1327), Jack Daniel (yeah, that Jack Daniel) dieing from kicking his safe (do you suppose alcohol was involved?) (1911), laughing yourself to death (1975, 207 BC) and being stabbed to death and eaten after you have shared a meal of parts of yourself (2001).

O death, where is thy sting? Oh, right there in 1322.

Flurry of Movie Reviews: Enchanted - Mothra 5.0, Dan In Real Life - Mothra 6.4, The Bee Movie - Mothra 6.0

For rating metrics, see post of May 2, 2007.

Enchanted - Went to this one to appease my spousal unit. Did not know anything about it. Basically it is Cinderella (are there no new ideas?) Cartoon beginning where the evil stepmother of the prince love interest throws the lovely princess down a well that delivers her into Manhattan. She's totally unequipped to survive in N.Y. except through force of her eternally sunny disposition and of course, she is unwillingly rescued by her future love interest, Dr. McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey). Her cartoon love interest pursues her to N.Y. to save her. He is altogether irretrievably optimistic, also. Did I mention that they sing and dance at odd moments? Susan Sarandon is good as the evil queen. This one is so sweet I needed an insulin shot before it was over. Unless you're a 10-13 year old girl, do not go to the theater, rent or net-flix this one.

Dan In Real Life - Dan (Steve Carell) writes an advice column, is a widower and has three daughters. Of course, even though he give advice, he can't relate to his daughters or conduct his own life. He meets the first girl he has been interested in since the death of his wife (4 years ago). She is Juliette Binoche ("Chocolat", etc), perhaps the most appealing actress on the planet. Trouble is, she turns out to be his brother's girl friend. The brother is Dane Cook. How did he start to get parts and why does he still get them? Dan learns of this problem when they are all thrown together at a big family get together. Predictability ensues. Steve Carell is pretty good and a sympathetic character except when he gets really dumb. Juliette Binoche is extremely appealing. This one is worth a rental or at least a net-flix queue. Only pay for this at theater as a date movie.

Bee Movie - Attended this one on a baby sitting gig. It's an animated feature about a bee (voice over by Jerry Seinfeld) that doesn't want to be relegated to the traditional duties in the hive. He escapes and breaks the first law of Beedom by talking to a human. The human (voice over by Renee Zellweger) takes a shine to the bee for no apparent reason. Barry the bee then learns that the humans are stealing all their honey and the bees are getting nothing for it. He files a law suit against the humans and wins and under the category of unintended consequences, all the bees stay in the hive and all the flowers die. Renee Zellweger's character is, of course, a florist and her business withers. Everything is saved in the end after homage to the Rose Parade and all the airplane movies. The trouble with this one is that the humor is geared toward adults and the movie is geared toward kids. Doesn't succeed with either. The voice overs by Puddy (Patrick Warburton) are good. Rental or net-flix only and if you are using it to subdue some kids, only count on about 30 minutes respite.

Captures the Essence of Christmas Like No Other.

Ah, smell that? Christmas is in the air.

You know, sometimes if you just started out to make something up like this, you wouldn’t be able to do it. Things that make perfect sense in other cultures just don’t compute in ours.
For example, apparently in the area of Catalan, which is in the northern part of Spain, the Nativity scenes for the Christmas season includes a little something extra. Somewhere in the traditional Catalan nativity scene, often over to the side, a small additional figure is included called a Caganer.
Caganer, roughly translated to English, means defecator and that is exactly what the statue is, a reproduction of someone taking a dump. Obviously, everybody is entitled to their own religion and beliefs and their way of celebrating but for me nothing says Merry Christmas as much as a lawn gnome dropping a Yule log just north of baby Jesus.
To make this even more bizarre to my white bread sensibilities, you can buy caganers of famous people, such as soccer players, infamous world figures and politicians (last two categories probably substantially overlap). So, you guessed it, you can get a caganer statue of such luminaries as Bush, the lesser and Pau Gasol, the pro basketball player. Apparently you could also get one for Osama bin Laden but this particular web site must have sold out due to popular demand.
One of the interesting parts of the Bush caganer is that he is carrying a globe of the world under his arm as he squeezes off a loaf. It would be more accurate if he was depicted shitting on the world.
Kind of makes you feel festive, doesn’t it?

George Bush on Global Warming - Very Funny!

We Have Become "That Nation"

A most excellent article by Malcolm Nance on torture in general and water boarding in particular is found here. It is written by someone with actual knowledge of how it is administered and how it is used. This is much different than the quality of discussion put forth by Joe Scarborough here ("90% of Americans would support this") or by batshit crazy Rachel Mardsen ("...CIA sponsored swim lesson").

Mr. Nance has a number of astoundingly astute quotes in his article. For example:

"We, as a nation, are having a crisis of honor."

***

"We live at a time where Americans, completely uninformed by an incurious media and enthralled by vengeance-based fantasy television shows like “24”, are actually cheering and encouraging such torture as justifiable revenge for the September 11 attacks. Having been a rescuer in one of those incidents and personally affected by both attacks, I am bewildered at how casually we have thrown off the mantle of world-leader in justice and honor."

***

"Who will complain about the new world-wide embrace of torture? America has justified it legally at the highest levels of government. Even worse, the administration has selectively leaked supposed successes of the water board such as the alleged Khalid Sheik Mohammed confessions. However, in the same breath the CIA sources for the Washington Post noted that in Mohammed’s case they got information but "not all of it reliable." Of course, when you waterboard you get all the magic answers you want -because remember, the subject will talk. They all talk! Anyone strapped down will say anything, absolutely anything to get the torture to stop. Torture. Does. Not. Work.
According to the President, this is not a torture, so future torturers in other countries now have an American legal basis to perform the acts. Every hostile intelligence agency and terrorist in the world will consider it a viable tool, which can be used with impunity. It has been turned into perfectly acceptable behavior for information finding."

***

"I have stated publicly and repeatedly that I would personally cut Bin Laden’s heart out with a plastic MRE spoon if we per chance meet on the battlefield. Yet, once captive I believe that the better angels of our nature and our nation’s core values would eventually convince any terrorist that they indeed have erred in their murderous ways. Once convicted in a fair, public tribunal, they would have the rest of their lives, however short the law makes it, to come to terms with their God and their acts.
This is not enough for our President. He apparently secretly ordered the core American values of fairness and justice to be thrown away in the name of security from terrorists. He somehow determined that the honor the military, the CIA and the nation itself was an acceptable trade for the superficial knowledge of the machinations of approximately 2,000 terrorists, most of whom are being decimated in Iraq or martyring themselves in Afghanistan. It is a short sighted and politically motivated trade that is simply disgraceful. There is no honor here."

Advocates of the use of this and other "enhanced interrogations techniques" (what a wordfuck euphemism!) trot out the old saw about what you would do in the event of a ticking time bomb in a major city. Let's assume, arguendo, that you could do it effectively, timely and that the information obtained was even moderately reliable. In that case, I might do it myself (just as Mr. Nance says he would gladly cut out Bin Laden's heart with a plastic spoon) but I would expect to be held accountable for this. If we refuse to define torture and allow one man to determine what it is or isn't and make it part of our routine arsenal, we make it the norm rather than the unholy exception it should be. Then we get Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, the foreign black sites and the other atrocities we don't even know about.

In my earlier years, I was taught by the people that endured WWII that we were just better as a nation. We had higher morals, higher goals and should lead the world in finding better ways to do things. We would not lower ourselves to the level of nations like Nazi Germany, Cambodia, Vietnam and others that routinely used torture. We have failed to hold to our honor. This is not my United States. My United States does not redefine torture to be something else. My United States does not even have to have the discussion about whether water boarding is torture. We have become "That Nation".

Shame, shame on us all!

Summary Execution Justified

I generally don't believe in the death penalty for anything. I don't believe the State has that right and even if it does somehow, it is applied disproportionately, it is not a deterrent, mistakes are made and there is no appeal from death and it is cruel and unusual (how could death by painful injection, structured electrocution or asphyxiation by gaseous means not be?). Bush, the lesser, learned the political value of killing large numbers of brown skinned people while setting records for executions in Texas and he has carried that policy forward into his quagmire in Iraq today.

However, after spending 7 hours on a major interstate yesterday, I believe that summary execution should be available for those people that drive in the passing lanes at the same speed as the cars in the other lane. Yes, I'm talking about you Mr. SUV, minivan, etc. driver, motoring in the left lane passing someone going 70 at the dizzying pace of 72 miles per hour. That only takes about 10 miles and although you have no idea because your rear view mirrors are used only for applying makeup or checking out your dazzling smile, there are cars queued up behind you that have somewhere to go other than the Western Sizzlin' buffet line.

I don't care if you want to drive 40, just move over to the right when someone comes up behind you. Texas drivers don't seem to be able to master that concept. California drivers are better at it. You would think that might be reversed because of the number of guns in Texas but I suppose the people blocking traffic also are packing so they have some sense of entitlement.

I also don't care if you are traveling at or above the speed limit or at 100 miles per hour, if someone moves up behind you to a distance that would allow them to pass, move over. If they don't take the opportunity, then go for it.

Yes, I am the asshole that is riding your bumper going north on I-35. I hope that someday you will look back and actually obey the numerous signs that say that the left lane is for passing only.

Until then, beware.

A Gala Event

This past weekend the spousal unit and I had the distinct privilege of attending the wedding of her oldest male offspring

This occurred in beautiful Los Angeles (Tarzana, to be more precise) at a lovely country club overlooking the Valley.

The bride and the groom are both beautiful people, in appearance as well as character, and we couldn't be more proud.

We ate much good food and drank much good drink and partied well into the night. At least well into the night as it relates to old people.

The weather cooperated although it was hot when I arrived but cooled off in time for the event. Unfortunately (for the people involved), the smoke of the fires at Malibu wafted through the Valley. Our best wishes go out to all the people who lost lives, pets or property in these tragic series of events.

We were able to visit with family and old friends and make new friends. The bride's family predominately comes from the northeast and there was some concern (mainly on their part) about how the northern and southern components of this wedding gathering would interact. I don't know what their opinions are, but I have enjoyed getting to know them and now consider them good friends. They are good people and I welcome them as part of our extended family.

Some Rules for Living When Your Options Are Limited

Sometimes the best you can do is:

1. fluff the rat and call it a poodle;


2. move the turd to the other pocket; [1 and 2 courtesy of The Dilbert Blog]


3. when you have to eat shit, take big bites [commonly used maxim in the legal community].

The Value of Brush Cutting

Bush, the lesser, and I have something in common. We both have some land with brush on it. He has several thousand acres on his faux ranch and I have two acres. We both get to cut brush on our property. He cuts brush so that he doesn't have to think about what he is doing. I cut brush so I don't have to think about what he is doing.

This Always Makes Me Cry.

F.I.S.A - Fucking Incredible Statement of Abandonment

Once again, I am completely dumbfounded as to how things happen. Maybe someone can explain it to me (really, I mean that), but here's what I think happened.

Our 4th Amendment rights against unreasonable search and seizure have generally been pretty uniformly trampled upon throughout history by administrations that thought that the niceties of the Constitution just got in the way. However, the Supreme Court has held that even in the situations where national security was at risk, the Constitution still required a court order for wiretaps, electronic surveillance, etc. Then, in a series of actions that have further eroded our rights, Congress passed the FISA legislation in 1978. This established a super secret court that could approve such surveillance even after the fact but still required probable cause. The FISA legislation was crystal clear that it was the only method by which such surveillance could be conducted.

Enter President Cheney and Bush, the lesser, and stir in 9-11. In 2002, this band of merry rapers of the constitution authorized the NSA to conduct such surveillance without FISA court approval and without a showing of probable cause and without a warrant. In other words, they completely ignored the Constitution and the FISA act passed to circumvent it and just wrote their own rules or lack thereof. When this was exposed, although it was obvious they had just ignored the law, they said that they were authorized by the AUMF (Authorization for Use of Military Force) passed by Congress and used beyond recognition by Cheney to invade Iraq or in the alternative, the FISA law was unconstitutional because it limits the President's "inherent power" to provide for national security as the commander guy. Neither argument was worth a shit and the criminals just continued to ignore the law, but after a federal court declared the program unconstitutional, George, the lesser, agreed to have the program overseen by the FISA court, even if it wasn't clear how they were to do it and it was all a big secret.

Then, recently, the actions of these rights fuckers became so odoriferous that even the rubber stamp FISA court couldn't hold their noses tightly enough and declared some of their actions outside of the FISA authorization. This was also secret and if John Boehner, the Repug house minority leader, hadn't divulged classified information on national television and told about this decisions, they may have just continued to go about their business.

But then the really amazing thing happened. Bush, the lesser, with Cheney's hand up his ass and working his little puppet mouth, told Congress that they had to amend the FISA law immediately, before they went on summer recess or we would all die. He said this even though he has taken more time off from his job than Paris Hilton. So, the Democratic majority of the House and Senate, heeding their constituents' wishes when they voted for them in 2004 to stop this illegal and immoral war and rein in the abuses of the administration thugs, told the administration to shove it and refused to grant the additional authority and went on summer break so they could be like their Iraqi counterparts. And the voters cheered and cheered.

Wait, that wasn't exactly how this went down. Rather than do the right thing (described above) 16 Democratic senators and 41 Democratic representatives voted to give Bush, the lesser, added authority. Now, it is obvious that I don't know enough about what went on to know why they did this and they haven't bothered to tell me. You see, it is all secret and I think the Democrats that caved on this don't really know either. They just were afraid to look soft on terrorism and wanted to go on vacation and didn't give this the real attention it deserved. They abandoned their voters and left us twisting slowly in the wind.

Hell, what makes them think the administration would have done anything differently even if they had not voted for this? Cheney makes Bush, the lesser, sign a signing statement with each bill declaring kings x as it relates to him. So, they could have just gone on ignoring the law, as they have done all along.

So, I really don't understand the Democrats on this and I want one of them to explain it.

Here's what they have wrought. The President and the Attorney General (remember who this is, the bizarro George Washington) now can authorize surveillance without probable cause, without a warrant and without the supervision of a court. The only requirement is that one end of the conversation (telephone, e-mail, IM, text message, smoke signal, semaphore, etc.) be based outside the U.S. I'm not confident that they will even comply with this given their track record. Therefore, if you are an activist and Cheney wants to know about you and you communicate with someone outside the U.S. (and since it is hard to tell where internet message originate, maybe just look at all of them for good measure), then all they do is say the foreign entity is of interest (not even necessarily suspected of wrong doing). This will apply even if the person outside of the U.S. is a U.S. citizen. The FISA court can only look at the procedures to see if they are reasonably designed to determine if one of the participants is outside the U.S not the identity of the people involved and not whether probable cause existed. What a crock!

You pussy Democrats got some 'splaining to do!

Wrecked 'em, Hell! Damn near broke 'em.

I think it is evident that if George Bush, the lesser, had to have a brain scan they would hook up the electrodes to Karl Rove, Bush's brain. Therefore, I think it highly likely that during the lesser's recent colonscopy, they had to insert the tube through Cheney.

Just saying.

Something Is Better Than Nothing.

I understand that one of the reasons that there is not more anti-war activity in regard to the Iraq war is that because of the all volunteer army, most of us are not directly and personally affected by this clusterfuck. However, that does not excuse our apathy and laziness. Although it is much less that I would like to see, a Iraq Moratorium web site has been started (see http://www.iraqmoratorium.org/). It asks for a pledge to do something as minimal as wearing a black armband starting on September 21 and on each third Friday thereafter. We should all go there and sign the pledge and then build on the suggested activities until this abominable and criminal war is ended.

Please, let's end it.

Let It Be Written, Let It Be Done.

Cut off the head of the snake and the snake dies.

Movie Review - "Waitress" - Mothra 6.4

For rating metrics, see post of May 2, 2007.

Keri Russell (Felicity, mouseketeer) is a waitress that has a really bad husband, a really bad job, a really bad Southern accent and a talent for making pies. She gets pregnant by her really bad husband and has an affair with the captain of starship Serenity (Nathan Fillon). She is dead ended until Andy Griffith, playing a real bad parody of Matlock, leaves her some money. Then she ditches everyone and dances off into the sunset with her cute daughter. Total chick flick, but I liked it more than did the women in the group that saw it with me. I don't know why. Only worth a Netflix rental, if any. Warning: Will make you really hungry for pie, so don't look if you are on a diet or want a really good movie.

In Loco Parentis

This weekend is Fathers' Day. Like other made up holidays like Mothers' Day and Valentine's Day, I believe that the creation of such "holidays" is a crock. It is promoted to create card and restaurant sales and has nothing much deeper as a purpose. However, it does remind me that being a father is one of the most profoundly life changing events that can occur in a man's life. I tell new parents to be that having a child is going to change their life like no other event they will ever experience, other than having another child. As well as being life changing it is a deeply positive experience. The concept of unconditional love is nothing more than a concept until you witness the birth of your child and then you understand completely. I have had the benefit of having three wonderful children and two wonderful stepchildren. I feel humbled and totally incapable of the requirements of such a position but I love it and wouldn't trade it for anything. I may have dinner with one or more of my children on Fathers' Day and I will probably get a card from most of them. I think that is totally unnecessary but I appreciate it and more accurately, appreciate the opportunity to experience fatherhood, one the of the greatest things that can happen to a man. If I did anything right, as a father, I learned it from my Dad.

Thanks, Dad. I love you.

California Dreamin'...

The spousal unit and I just returned from a trip to Los Angeles to visit the spousal unit's eldest and his significant other. Both are lovely, hospitable people and we enjoyed our visit very much.

The spousal unit's eldest works for a movie production company that is presently filming a movie called "Days of Wrath". He took us to a couple of sets where the film was being made. We met Laurence Fishburne (Matrix's Morpheus) and saw Jeffrey Dean Morgan ("Denny" who died on "Grey's Anatomy") and Wilmer Valderrama ("Fez" on "That '70s Show"). Valderrama was playing a gang member and had shaved his head and had been inked and looked nothing like Fez. All in all, a vast improvement. We also were eating at a restaurant at the same time as Hillary Duff. Being old and hipply challenged, she had to be pointed out to us. Needless to say, all of this was very entertaining for us old folks from the country.

We also were treated to a trip to Santa Barbara and the Pasadena Flea Market at the Rose Bowl. Very entertaining.

The eldest and his significant other are betrothed with a scheduled wedding in October. We visited the venue of the planned nuptials and it is beautiful as are the bride and groom. The first picture above is the view from the country club where the wedding will occur.

We stayed in a hotel in Studio City on Ventura Boulevard. The restaurants are exceptional. We had lunch one day across the street from where Robert Blake did not kill his wife. We also had an opportunity to visit with an old friend who works for a famous gossip magazine. She always has a lot of good stuff on people that I know nothing about and she is also naturally hysterically funny. Very nice to see her again.

There are a lot of people in Los Angeles. I think I know a few reasons why. The weather is almost always perfect and the flowers and other decorations are exceptional. Living in paradise on a daily basis would not get old, if you have enough money. The restaurants are exceptional and the town is full of beautiful, talented people. You will not fully understand the extent of this until you have spent 30 or 40 minutes outside one of the studios and watched 5 or 6 of the most spectacular women you have ever seen walk by. And this is just one studio and one sidewalk.

I could live there happily (if I had enough money).

Movie Review - "Snakes On A Plane" - Rating: Mothra 2.8

For rating metrics, see post of May 2, 2007.

Plot line: Samuel Jackson is FBI who is escorting a surfer dude witness from Hawaii to the main land so surfer dude can testify in a criminal trial. Hawaiian mafia don't want him to testify so they arrange for some really pissed off snakes to be released throughout the plane carrying said surfer dude and Shaft. Much hissing and confusion ensues.

Here is how I imagine the creative process occurred relating to this movie.

3 or 4 twenty-something wannabe screen writers score some really good ganja one night and the following occurs:

" 'Mon, dude, pass it. Don't bogart the doobie". (It's obvious I'm hip to how they talk.)

" 'K, 'ere." (Sucking sound)

"Whoa, this is good shit. I'm toasted."

"Hey dawg, you know what would be really cool?"

"Yeah, some Cheetos and some fudge."

"Yeah, but what would be really cool would be a flick about a bunch of bad ass snakes getting loose in a tight place and having all the people have to deal with them."

"No way, that would be so lame."

"No, listen. What if a bunch of snakes crawled on a bus and bit everybody."

"Why wouldn't the people just get off the bus?"

"Strong point. Let's put them in a stuck elevator, no, let's put them in a plane! And the snakes don't get loose until the plane is in the air."

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"No, dude, wait. Somebody could sneak about a million snakes through security and hide them in the cargo room and then have them get out and go crazy."

"Yeah, but snakes are cold blooded and would just lie there and never go anywhere."

"I know! We'll hide them behind some flowers and spray the flowers with some stuff that drives the snakes crazy and then we'll have little explosive charges open the boxes for the snakes and then they'll crawl through the flowers and get freaking crazy. Oh my God, this is so good!"

"Where will you get the snakes?"

"No prob, we'll CGI'em. I know a guy."

"So why are the snakes on the plane?"

"OK, let's think. Some bad guys are trying to kill one person on the plane so rather than just shoot him when he's getting on or off the plane they concoct this James Bond villianesque plan to kill him with snakes. The good part is that they don't have to actually cause the victim to get bit as long as they just bring the plane down. So we could have them bite all the pilots."

"Great, then let's put a stereotype of everybody on the plane. We put on a really up tight white guy and a rapper and his posse and a elite white girl like Paris Hilton with a dog that gets bit and a lot of stuff like that."

"Yeah, then we could have every conceivable part of the human body get bit by snakes. Like two people joining the mile high club and the babe gets it in the aureole. And, and...a guy is taking a leak and one gets him on the johnson and a fat guy gets bit in the butt and someone gets bit in the eye. This is going to be so good!"

"What happens when the pilots get bit?"

"I know, I know! We could have one of the rapper's posse be a PlayStation expert that has played enough Flight Simulator that he flies the plane and then when he lands it successfully, he doesn't know how to stop it because he always just hit the Reset button and started another game. This is going to be huge!"

"This really needs Samuel Jackson in it."

"No way, Samuel Jackson has much too much pride to mess with this crap."

Movie Review - "Fracture" - Rating: Mothra 7.4

For rating metrics see the previous post.

"Fracture" stars Anthony Hopkins (a million movies) and Ryan Gosling (Notebook, Remember The Titans, Murder By Numbers) and some other people. Anthony Hopkins is a really smart dude whose younger wife is having an affair with a policeman hostage negotiator. Naturally, Hopkins kills his wife. Gosling is a hot shot prosecutor who is leaving the prosecutor's office for a better gig at a large law firm. Hopkins games the system, acts as his own lawyer and in spite of a confession and being the only one in the house at the time of the murder and being caught with a gun in his hand, he manages to beat the rap with Gosling as the prosecutor. Naturally, Gosling is fired from the prosecutor's office and looses his new job at the law firm along with the hot chick lawyer from the new firm that, for no apparent reason, has taken to him. The cat and mouse game between Hopkins and Gosling (with the roles changing a couple of times) is interesting and there is some pretty good acting in almost all the roles. We saw it at the theater and it was worth the price of admission.

We misjudged the starting time a little bit and to waste some time, we walked in to the theater showing "Blades Of Glory" with Will Ferrel and the guy from "Napoleon Dynamite". I would have been pissed if I had paid to see that stuff. Solely from about 20 minutes of that minutes, I would rate it as a Mothra 3.8. Don't pay full price to see this movie and only watch it if Netflix delivers it to you by mistake.

"Spiderman 3" also opened the night we saw Fracture and judging by the massive crowds and the large number of screens on which it was showing, this could be a blockbuster.

Movie Reviews - A New Public Service

Let me take time out from my incessant bitching to institute a new public service: movie reviews. I will attempt to bring a level of consistent professionalism to movie reviews that has been absent from such efforts in the past. I will use a stolen system to rate the movies that I have seen. Since I don't have many (any) original thoughts, I will rate movies according to the "Mothra" rating system. I read about this systems some time in the past and I made a half assed attempt to Google it but found nothing, so I'll use it like I own it. All movies shall be rated for overall appeal on a scale of 1 to 10 with Mothra as a 5. As everybody know, Mothra (the 1961 original), was about two very small twins from a radioactive island (the root of all mutations in Japanese movies) that use telepathic songs to summon their friend, Mothra, the giant moth. Mothra goes to Tokyo to find the pint sized twins and rescue them and in the process, the wind from his wings cause great destruction along his path and on Tokyo eventually. The special effects are spectacular with the Mothra model beating his wings a couple of times and achieving supersonic speed almost immediately. The best scene in the movie, aside from the high pitched keening of the twins' song, is where Mothra is flying over a city with the expected destruction ensuing and a man is walking down the street leaning against the wind caused by Mothra when a car goes blowing past him.

Therefore, by definition Mothra is a "Mothra" 5 and all other movies will be rated based on this.

Like I said, a highly technical, tightly defined system.

But She Won't Invite Him To Sit With the Kewl Kids

Bush, the lesser, was asked at a news conference yesterday what would happen since the Iranian ambassador would be attending the same European Summit as Condi Rice. His answer was that Condi would be nice to the ambassador if they were to bump into each other but no other discussions would happen. Holy Shit! This is so juvenile! It is embarrassing to think that dialog that could defuse an escalating situation will not happen because the "leaders" of our country will not engage in discussions with a select group of countries. Obviously, it is to continue the drumbeat leading to a potential action against Iran. The handlers of Bush, the lesser, want this to continue so that the war business can be expanded and financial projections can be met. The neocon Kool Aid drinkers think he is being tough. Not so, he is either stupid or immoral and probably both.

Deliver us from evil.

Best Magazine Cover Since Anna Nicole Was On The Cover of Playboy

These would be the best things to happen to the country since, well, ever.

I don't know who did this and I may be violating all manner of copyrights, but this is too good not to share.

Please, make it so.

Hey, President Bush, I Want the Job.

President George W. Bush

White House

Washington, D.C.

RE: Position of War Czar

Dear President Bush:

I have become aware that you are seeking to fill a position in your administration to which you have referred as a war "czar". This position would have as its objective the coordination of all your present wars. As best as I can reason this includes the following:

1. The war on drugs,
2. The global war on terror,
3. The war on immigration and immigrants,
4. The war on voter fraud and the war on U.S. attorneys that don't prosecute such fraud when it would aid in reducing votes for the Democratic candidates,
5. The war on Afghanistan and the search for Osama (you may have actually forgotten about this one, so forgive me if this one is irrelevant),
6. The war on poverty (this may also be incorrect because this was put in place by a Democrat and then killed by a Republican, so it probably should just be referred to as the war on poor people),
7. The war on Iraq, which is the crown jewel of achievements in your administration,
8. The war on agencies and departments being operated for competence and for non-political reasons,
9. The war on religion unless it is U.S. government sponsored,
10. The war on abortion,
11. The war on the other two branches of government,
12. The war on telling kids any thing about sex except "keep it in your pants".

I may have missed one or two but because you are, by your own admission (and actions) a war president, you really need a war czar just to catalog and list your wars, if nothing else.

I know that several generals and others with "war" experience have run screaming from the room when you asked them about their interest in this position, but you shouldn't get discouraged because I am here for you. My resume is attached and from it you can see that I am every bit as qualified to be war czar as some of your other stellar appointments were for their posts. Brown, Bolton, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld, Roberts and Bremer spring to mind as well as the new U.S. attorneys. I believe I could follow in the very large footsteps made by these giants of efficiency and competence.

However, there as some things about me that you would not readily pick up from my resume that I believe are relevant about me and the way I think. I believe that you will share my enthusiasm for me after you read the following list.

First, I am white, male and middle aged. I have made large contributions to the Republican Party in the past, both in terms of contributing money and in terms of monitoring polling place to keep brown skinned people from voting and in monitoring Tricky Rick Perry's eye in the sky to tell on people risking their life to better their life. I never had the opportunity to attend such a fine preparatory school as Regent University so I had to actually go to a real law school and compete for a job. I don't like that and that's why I'm looking for this gig. I figure that I can stall in doing anything until you are out of office and Halliburton has met Wall Street's expectations for 6 or 7 more quarters. This will set you and Uncle Dick up fine for the long run and allow you to keep the promises to them and others you made when they selected you to be the figure head. I fully expect the Medal of Freedom for this effort.

Secondly, I hold many beliefs in common with other true believers (29% now?) in the grand Republican party.

For example, I believe that Jesus loves you and wanted you to be president, speaks to you regularly (you do hear those voices in your head still, don't you?) and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary.

I know that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when your daddy, Bush the Elder, made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when you needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

I agree with you that trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

You, me and John Bolton think that United States should get out of the United Nations but our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

We all know that a woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

You have shown conclusively that the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, but deprive them of adequate equipment and slash veterans' benefits and combat pay.

It can't really be refuted that if condoms and sex education are kept out of schools and the students are told just to abstain, adolescents won't have sex.

I firmly believe that a good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Your appointees have proven that global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extra-marital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but your driving record is none of their business.

Being a drug addict and/or an alcoholic is a moral failing and a crime, unless it's you or if you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and our prayers are needed for your recovery.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what you did in the '80's is irrelevant.

You can see that I possess many of the qualities that you prize and that you have rewarded with position and promotion in the past, so I eagerly await your call.

Conservatively yours,

Othell Zilch, your friend and patriot

When Do We Mourn The Others?

We have been subjected to the truly awful pictures and story of the killing of 32 people at Virginia Tech. Both opponents and proponents of gun control have cited this incident as evidence that their position on this issue is correct. This is a terrible tragedy and we should grieve as a nation for the loss of innocent youth. Flags are flying at half mast to symbolize our collective grief. However, why do we not also grieve for the 34 people a day that die from accidental gun shots and homicides with guns in the US? Why do we not grieve for the much larger number of people each day that commit suicide by using guns? And also, why do we not grieve for the loss of innocent youth in Iraq, both US and Iraqi? Obviously, I don't have any answers but it seems that unbelievably short sighted policies relating to gun control and to the illegal war are at the center of these issues. As to gun control, the easy access to guns has to contribute. Guns do kill people. Bumper sticker philosophy aside, anybody who says differently is full of shit. If guns were less available, less gun violence would occur. Tragedies like Virginia Tech may still occur, but a lot of the other tragedies might be averted if a child didn't find a loaded gun in the bed side table or a drunk asshole didn't have a loaded Glock in the glove compartment of his truck when his "honor" is impugned.

Let's get real about this issue. The Second Amendment was never intended to allow access to assault rifles or semi-automatic weapons. When the Second Amendment was enacted, the weapons available to the populace were also the only weapons available to the government. To extend that thinking to the situation today, citizens should be able to own and use cruise missiles and nuclear weapons. Aside from the NRA, no reasonable person can assert this position credibly.

Let's do something constructive to stop the loss of young innocent life. Let's deal with guns and stop this insane war.

Burnished by Bush: Bill Clinton's Legacy

At the end of Bill Clinton's presidency, most people remembered that he lied about a blow job. Six years into Bush the Lesser's term, most people now remember 8 years of peace and prosperity, exceptional intelligence, ability to speak in an articulate manner and grace under fire. The blow job has become a historical foot note. Bill should send the Lesser a thank you card. If the Lesser had exhibited even a scintilla of intelligence or had done even one thing right after 9/11, people might still just primarily remember the blow job.

George Bush, the best thing for Bill Clinton's legacy.

Lost (Pines) Weekend

We had the opportunity to spend the last weekend at the Hyatt Lost Pines Resort between Austin and Bastrop. It is very kid friendly but with enough adult diversions (spa, golf, adult beverages) to make it worthwhile for the old folks. We also were fortunate to spend the time with some of our favorite people. There were also some beautiful children there, as evidenced by the pictures above.

Monday Morning Dog Blogging-Because I Can.

Four Noir Years

Today marks the fourth anniversary of the start of the quagmire we lovingly call the war on Iraq. Bush, the Lesser, with Cheney's hand up his ass working his mouth, gave the obligatory anniversary speech and tried to scare the shit out of us again.

"It can be tempting to ... conclude our best option is to pack up and go home ... but I believe the consequences for American security would be devastating."

More tellingly, he also said: "At this point in the war, our most important mission is helping the Iraqis secure their capital." OMG!, we have been at this clusterfuck for four years and we still haven't even secured the capital! Why does anyone believe involvement for one more minute is to our advantage?

These past four years have indeed been some of the darkest (hence the clever "noir" pun) in our history. Being old, I remember the very difficult times during the Vietnam war. One thing we had then that is missing now is an active draft, so we do not now have as active an antiwar protest movement as we did then because most people are not directly involved. However, even without that integral piece, the American public can not stand for this much longer. Surely, the citizenry will mobilize against this in greater numbers if we do not get out of Iraq. And if we begin military action against Iran, a revolution must be organized.

Let's imagine what we could have done in the immediately preceding four years that would have been preferable to invading Iraq:

• Almost anything (much too easy and glib, but true).
• Building on the unprecedented sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11 and the almost unanimous global support for effective action by the major nations of the world, the U.S. could have organized a cohesive group of major nations and the nations in the Middle East to effectively deal with the radical fringe that begets most of the terrorist actions. This could have been done by keeping the hearts and minds of the vast majority of the Muslim community that truly deplored and were horrified by the actions of the 9/11 terrorists. National consensus and the treating of the part of the Muslim community that had sympathy for us as partners rather than enemies would have done that. Let's face this realistically. You can't declare a "war on terror". Terror is a tactic, not an opponent. The advocates for this tactic generally arise from the citizenry. We will never have enough troops or police or be able to snoop on enough e-mails or phone calls or go through enough financial records to be even marginally effective against most such terrorists. A much more effective way would be for the vast majority of the citizenry from which such terrorists arise to be sympathetic to non-violent actions and to fail to provide the recruitment base and the haven for the terrorists. The only way for us to significantly improve our effectiveness against terrorists is to stop creating them by our inflammatory actions and make them so marginalized by their own community that they will be shunned and turned in by their friends and neighbors. The last four years has made them heroes and martyrs. You can't invade a sovereign country and destroy the fabric of its society and expect much cooperation from its people.
• Left Saddam Hussein in place and applied pressure through the consortium of nations to cause a regime change. He was effectively disarmed and was in a hold down mode through the use of the no-fly zones and the U.N. inspectors. It is unlikely that he would still be in power today if we had applied pressure like this. And we would not have paid the horrendous price in people and resources and squandered sympathy. Even if Saddam was still ostensibly in power today, we would be substantially better off and the Iraqis would be better off and capable of dealing with their own problems. We can not justify invading Iraq merely because Saddam was a dick. Following that theory would lead to the invasion of half the countries on the planet, starting with our own.
• Stabilized and fortified Afghanistan. Found Osama bin Laden and removed the terrorist training camps.
• Use the resources we squandered in Iraq to find better ways to secure our cities, ports, chemical facilities, infrastructure, etc. than we have done.
• Not eliminating the cornerstones of our own democracy while giving lip service to establishing it in other countries.
• Avoiding the politicizing of everything by the installation of cronies in agencies, courts, law enforcement, etc. Requiring something more than political allegiance as a qualification for appointment would have been a nice change.

If this were truly an effective pun, I could state that the "noir" years are coming to an end with a luminesence at the terminus of the underground labryinth. However, that tunnel seems just too freaking long and I'm afraid that by the time we reach the end, it will have all caved in.

Justice Is Served But Not In A Blunt

Thank God that a federal appeals court had the sense and decency to stem the use of the evil marijuana by saying that a dying woman could be prosecuted for its use, even if her doctor said it was necessary for her continued life. Any other decision would have led to millions of slackers voluntarily contracting terminal illnesses just so they could score some good ganja.

Unfortunately, under the present set of statutes, the result is probably legally correct. It just shows how batshit crazy our drug laws are.

Please, please let's get some rationality.

Another Thing I Just Don't Understand

Alberto Gonzales, your putative Attorney General, but really Bush, the Lesser's abogado, provided for indefinite detention, approved torture, viewed the Geneva Convention as "quaint" and otherwise wordfucked the Constitution and now he's going to get in real trouble because of some political U.S. attorney shenanigans.

I'm all for it but why, why only now?

Help me out here, I just don't understand.

Harbinger of Spring

Ah, baseball spring training has started. This has always been an indication to me that Spring was actually going to occur again and that the long nightmare of Winter (3 or 4 days in Austin) was over. Soon the regular season will return major league baseball to the coasts. This is important in view of the fact that the playoffs were abruptly cancelled last year when all teams from New York, Boston and Los Angeles were eliminated. Some teams from the middle of the country played some exhibition matches after that but since it was not important enough to be reported by the media, no one can be sure.

I'm So Confused...

Cheney says the announcement of the withdrawal of some of England's troops from Iraq is a sign of progress. Bush says we need to "surge" more American troops to make progress.

How freakin' stupid do they think we are. Oh wait! I know.

UPDATE: You know, I really would like to be wrong about this sometime but I'm not.

Dance Like No One's Watching

You're famous when you make it to YouTube. One of our favorite people has done so. She got the boogie in her.

Outrage Overload

I know that my reader has missed my posting since I haven't done anything for a couple of weeks. A combination of computer problems, laziness and inertia have contributed to this. However, I believe the most significant factor has been "outrage overload". That's the state of being so pissed off about so many things that you can't bring yourself to write about any because that would seem like ignoring the other, equally important topics. The Bush administration and the Repugs at large continue apace with their illegal, immoral and unethical practices. Torture, the "surge", usurpation of the powers of the others branches of government, illegal wiretapping and snooping, complicity with treasonous war profiteering, etc., etc., ad nauseum are all subjects that I would like to address in an intelligent and cogent manner. However, since that probably exceeds my grasp, I will rail out against such practices in a shrill, emotional voice. I plan to do that soon. Unfortunately, we have much too much time left in this administration to talk about its crimes.

In the meantime, if the Democrats and the few ethical Republicans that are starting to exhibit some backbone don't do everything they can to rein in this abomination, I will be forced to flagellate them verbally also. That should scare them straight.

Come on, guys, do something!

A Life Unfinished.

We all will experience death. But sometimes death is not what kills us. Case in point: I had an ex-brother-in-law. He had a twin brother and I was married to his older sister. During the time that I was married to his sister, I observed him graduating from high school as an athlete, starring in basketball and football. He was awarded a scholarship to play football in college. He was handsome, smart, gregarious, funny and had many friends. After he started to attend college, he began to change. He was always a little forgetful and bad with directions but only enough to make him human. When this type of behavior began to increase and other problems arose, some of us thought it was just part of his quirky personality. Then, he began to have hallucinations and be belligerent. This was totally unlike him. He had become schizophrenic. Science knows that there was nothing in his family situation or his environment that caused this. It was the unfortunate malfunctioning of his chemicals and electrical impulses. In spite of his problems, he managed to graduate from college and get into law school. During law school his problems intensified as the disease continued to ravage him. I tried to help him by assisting him in withdrawing from law school for a time and then helping him get re-entered. His parents struggled with much more complex problems with his care and treatment. He perservered in the face of long odds and managed to graduate from law school, although his concentration was impaired to the extent that he could not complete the rigors of the bar exam.

I had my own set of problems and after I was no longer married to his sister and by extension not very well connected with his family, I would get periodic reports from my children about their uncle. Advances in medications enabled him to experience some modicum of normality and gave his some relief from his torments but not nearly to the extent that his early promise had indicated. Then recently I received the phone call from one of my children. Their uncle had been found dead in his car from a heart attack experienced while attempting to get to a doctor's appointment to investigate lung problems brought on by the extensive smoking that was exacerbated by his mental illness.

He was in his mid-fifties. The promising young man that I had known and was fond of had been gone for more than 30 years. That man died many years ago, his body just did.

I wish him peace in his rest. He had experienced enough of the other.

Dr. King Would Approve

Beware Clear Mountain Lakes

Great News!

The spousal unit and I have 5 children total, all from former marriages. None are married as

yet, presumably because they didn't want to emulate our bad examples. However, recently two sons have announced that they are engaged and will be married this year. They are engaged to intelligent, beautiful women with just the right amount of lack of good taste in men.

We are very happy.

A Call For Sacrifice At This Point Is Just A Call For Further Human Sacrifice

Bush, the elder, provided Bush, the lesser, with a semi face saving opportunity with the Iraq Study Group. Bush, the lesser, desparate to try to rescue the legacy his handlers told him he would have when they told him to go to war, is now apparently going to call for "sacrifice" and completely ignore the recommendations of the Study Group. In conjunction with this he is going to ask for a "surge" of 20,000 more troops and an additional billion dollars to throw after the billions already embezzled in the supposed rebuilding of Iraq's infrastructure. This is the "new way forward" that he is supposedly going to propose after having a "listening tour". I wish I were articulate enough and had a sufficient command of the English language to adequately express how truly corrupt and amoral I believe this is. I just don't have the words.

This can not be truly viewed as anything other than a ill conceived and desparate smoke screen to delay the inevitable until after his term expires. Bush has not seen fit to call for any sacrifice by the American people in his war so far, other than the sacrifice of their sons and daughters and the sacrifice of the future economic viability of the United States.

The throwing of further troops into this horribly designed meat grinder can not help but result in increased deaths of both U.S. troops and Iraqis. 3,000 dead troops, tens of thousands of other troops injured and maimed, over 600,000 Iraqis killed and nobody knows how many others injured, rendered homeless or without family.

Bush did this.

Comparatively, Saddam was a pussy.

Here Lies American Democracy

Things I Dislike About Sports and Sporting Events

Even though one of my New Year's resolutions was to watch less television, I have spent most of today watching football bowl games. After some thought, not always coherent, I have the following lists of things that I don't like about sports and sporting events (again, in no particular order):

• When athletes wave their hands and exhort the crowd to cheer more. Do something good, Dude, and I'll yell my head off. Concentrate on your job: playing. I'll decide when to cheer.
• When a football player, whose team is trailing by multiple touchdowns, picks up 6 or 8 yards for a first down and then bounces up and gesticulates like he just scored the go-ahead points. You must be competitive in order to deserve to celebrate like that. Do your job and when the score gets tighter you might be entitled to celebrate some. Same thing for a basketball player that dunks and pulls his team within 20 and then snarls and yells. Really, not cool.
• Athletes talking in cliches. Actually, just athletes talking.
• Sideline announcers talking in cliches. Actually, just sideline announcers.
• Any event that has any commentary from Chris Berman, Dick Vitale or Paul Maguire. Doesn't anyone have the balls to remove these guys from the media sphere? They render any event, however otherwise enjoyable, almost completely unwatchable for me. Am I the only one that feels like this? Apparently, since they show up everywhere.
• Referring to the Rose Bowl always as "The Rose Bowl, the Grandaddy of Them All". It seems as if the name is trademarked and the announcers can't say the Rose Bowl without adding the trailer. After the 60th or 70th time, it really gets trite.
• Athletes gesturing toward the sky after a home run, touchdown or other happening; giving "God all the glory" for their win, record, first down, etc.; or making some other religious gesture (e.g. crossing themselves before a turn at bat or a free throw) to try to get God on their side in an athletic contest. Does anyone actually believe that the forces that put this universe together give even the slightest shit about what happens in something as unimportant as an athletic event?

And the thing I really dislike is other people criticizing athletic events. I am the only one qualified to do that.

New Year's Resolutions

My resolutions for 2007, in no particular order, are:

• Watch less TV and read more
• Blog more regularly, even though I'm the only one reading it
• Reinstitute regular exercise rituals and work on physical health
• Travel more
• Update estate plans and other records
• Take some risks
• Ignore resolutions if needed. I am almost 61, after all, and you should be able to ignore most rules, even your own, at that age.