Chertoff's Gut Says Home Cooking Provides The Most Risk

If Chertoff's gut tells him the biggest risk of terrorism is coming from the U.S., let's bring the troops home and have them occupy the U.S. Let's fight them here so we don't fight there, or something like that.

Truth is, this administration doesn't have a fucking clue!

Another Cliff Clavin Moment: Un-freaking-believable Ways To Die

Wikipedia has accumulated a list of bizarre deaths. Supposedly somewhat factual, but some lack a certain feeling of credibility.

Wikipedia has organized the deaths in chronological order.

Some of my personal favorites are having your bald head mistaken for a stone by an eagle (458 BC), eating too many lampreys (1135), having a red hot poker stuck up your butt (1327), Jack Daniel (yeah, that Jack Daniel) dieing from kicking his safe (do you suppose alcohol was involved?) (1911), laughing yourself to death (1975, 207 BC) and being stabbed to death and eaten after you have shared a meal of parts of yourself (2001).

O death, where is thy sting? Oh, right there in 1322.

Flurry of Movie Reviews: Enchanted - Mothra 5.0, Dan In Real Life - Mothra 6.4, The Bee Movie - Mothra 6.0

For rating metrics, see post of May 2, 2007.

Enchanted - Went to this one to appease my spousal unit. Did not know anything about it. Basically it is Cinderella (are there no new ideas?) Cartoon beginning where the evil stepmother of the prince love interest throws the lovely princess down a well that delivers her into Manhattan. She's totally unequipped to survive in N.Y. except through force of her eternally sunny disposition and of course, she is unwillingly rescued by her future love interest, Dr. McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey). Her cartoon love interest pursues her to N.Y. to save her. He is altogether irretrievably optimistic, also. Did I mention that they sing and dance at odd moments? Susan Sarandon is good as the evil queen. This one is so sweet I needed an insulin shot before it was over. Unless you're a 10-13 year old girl, do not go to the theater, rent or net-flix this one.

Dan In Real Life - Dan (Steve Carell) writes an advice column, is a widower and has three daughters. Of course, even though he give advice, he can't relate to his daughters or conduct his own life. He meets the first girl he has been interested in since the death of his wife (4 years ago). She is Juliette Binoche ("Chocolat", etc), perhaps the most appealing actress on the planet. Trouble is, she turns out to be his brother's girl friend. The brother is Dane Cook. How did he start to get parts and why does he still get them? Dan learns of this problem when they are all thrown together at a big family get together. Predictability ensues. Steve Carell is pretty good and a sympathetic character except when he gets really dumb. Juliette Binoche is extremely appealing. This one is worth a rental or at least a net-flix queue. Only pay for this at theater as a date movie.

Bee Movie - Attended this one on a baby sitting gig. It's an animated feature about a bee (voice over by Jerry Seinfeld) that doesn't want to be relegated to the traditional duties in the hive. He escapes and breaks the first law of Beedom by talking to a human. The human (voice over by Renee Zellweger) takes a shine to the bee for no apparent reason. Barry the bee then learns that the humans are stealing all their honey and the bees are getting nothing for it. He files a law suit against the humans and wins and under the category of unintended consequences, all the bees stay in the hive and all the flowers die. Renee Zellweger's character is, of course, a florist and her business withers. Everything is saved in the end after homage to the Rose Parade and all the airplane movies. The trouble with this one is that the humor is geared toward adults and the movie is geared toward kids. Doesn't succeed with either. The voice overs by Puddy (Patrick Warburton) are good. Rental or net-flix only and if you are using it to subdue some kids, only count on about 30 minutes respite.

Captures the Essence of Christmas Like No Other.

Ah, smell that? Christmas is in the air.

You know, sometimes if you just started out to make something up like this, you wouldn’t be able to do it. Things that make perfect sense in other cultures just don’t compute in ours.
For example, apparently in the area of Catalan, which is in the northern part of Spain, the Nativity scenes for the Christmas season includes a little something extra. Somewhere in the traditional Catalan nativity scene, often over to the side, a small additional figure is included called a Caganer.
Caganer, roughly translated to English, means defecator and that is exactly what the statue is, a reproduction of someone taking a dump. Obviously, everybody is entitled to their own religion and beliefs and their way of celebrating but for me nothing says Merry Christmas as much as a lawn gnome dropping a Yule log just north of baby Jesus.
To make this even more bizarre to my white bread sensibilities, you can buy caganers of famous people, such as soccer players, infamous world figures and politicians (last two categories probably substantially overlap). So, you guessed it, you can get a caganer statue of such luminaries as Bush, the lesser and Pau Gasol, the pro basketball player. Apparently you could also get one for Osama bin Laden but this particular web site must have sold out due to popular demand.
One of the interesting parts of the Bush caganer is that he is carrying a globe of the world under his arm as he squeezes off a loaf. It would be more accurate if he was depicted shitting on the world.
Kind of makes you feel festive, doesn’t it?

George Bush on Global Warming - Very Funny!

We Have Become "That Nation"

A most excellent article by Malcolm Nance on torture in general and water boarding in particular is found here. It is written by someone with actual knowledge of how it is administered and how it is used. This is much different than the quality of discussion put forth by Joe Scarborough here ("90% of Americans would support this") or by batshit crazy Rachel Mardsen ("...CIA sponsored swim lesson").

Mr. Nance has a number of astoundingly astute quotes in his article. For example:

"We, as a nation, are having a crisis of honor."

***

"We live at a time where Americans, completely uninformed by an incurious media and enthralled by vengeance-based fantasy television shows like “24”, are actually cheering and encouraging such torture as justifiable revenge for the September 11 attacks. Having been a rescuer in one of those incidents and personally affected by both attacks, I am bewildered at how casually we have thrown off the mantle of world-leader in justice and honor."

***

"Who will complain about the new world-wide embrace of torture? America has justified it legally at the highest levels of government. Even worse, the administration has selectively leaked supposed successes of the water board such as the alleged Khalid Sheik Mohammed confessions. However, in the same breath the CIA sources for the Washington Post noted that in Mohammed’s case they got information but "not all of it reliable." Of course, when you waterboard you get all the magic answers you want -because remember, the subject will talk. They all talk! Anyone strapped down will say anything, absolutely anything to get the torture to stop. Torture. Does. Not. Work.
According to the President, this is not a torture, so future torturers in other countries now have an American legal basis to perform the acts. Every hostile intelligence agency and terrorist in the world will consider it a viable tool, which can be used with impunity. It has been turned into perfectly acceptable behavior for information finding."

***

"I have stated publicly and repeatedly that I would personally cut Bin Laden’s heart out with a plastic MRE spoon if we per chance meet on the battlefield. Yet, once captive I believe that the better angels of our nature and our nation’s core values would eventually convince any terrorist that they indeed have erred in their murderous ways. Once convicted in a fair, public tribunal, they would have the rest of their lives, however short the law makes it, to come to terms with their God and their acts.
This is not enough for our President. He apparently secretly ordered the core American values of fairness and justice to be thrown away in the name of security from terrorists. He somehow determined that the honor the military, the CIA and the nation itself was an acceptable trade for the superficial knowledge of the machinations of approximately 2,000 terrorists, most of whom are being decimated in Iraq or martyring themselves in Afghanistan. It is a short sighted and politically motivated trade that is simply disgraceful. There is no honor here."

Advocates of the use of this and other "enhanced interrogations techniques" (what a wordfuck euphemism!) trot out the old saw about what you would do in the event of a ticking time bomb in a major city. Let's assume, arguendo, that you could do it effectively, timely and that the information obtained was even moderately reliable. In that case, I might do it myself (just as Mr. Nance says he would gladly cut out Bin Laden's heart with a plastic spoon) but I would expect to be held accountable for this. If we refuse to define torture and allow one man to determine what it is or isn't and make it part of our routine arsenal, we make it the norm rather than the unholy exception it should be. Then we get Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, the foreign black sites and the other atrocities we don't even know about.

In my earlier years, I was taught by the people that endured WWII that we were just better as a nation. We had higher morals, higher goals and should lead the world in finding better ways to do things. We would not lower ourselves to the level of nations like Nazi Germany, Cambodia, Vietnam and others that routinely used torture. We have failed to hold to our honor. This is not my United States. My United States does not redefine torture to be something else. My United States does not even have to have the discussion about whether water boarding is torture. We have become "That Nation".

Shame, shame on us all!

Summary Execution Justified

I generally don't believe in the death penalty for anything. I don't believe the State has that right and even if it does somehow, it is applied disproportionately, it is not a deterrent, mistakes are made and there is no appeal from death and it is cruel and unusual (how could death by painful injection, structured electrocution or asphyxiation by gaseous means not be?). Bush, the lesser, learned the political value of killing large numbers of brown skinned people while setting records for executions in Texas and he has carried that policy forward into his quagmire in Iraq today.

However, after spending 7 hours on a major interstate yesterday, I believe that summary execution should be available for those people that drive in the passing lanes at the same speed as the cars in the other lane. Yes, I'm talking about you Mr. SUV, minivan, etc. driver, motoring in the left lane passing someone going 70 at the dizzying pace of 72 miles per hour. That only takes about 10 miles and although you have no idea because your rear view mirrors are used only for applying makeup or checking out your dazzling smile, there are cars queued up behind you that have somewhere to go other than the Western Sizzlin' buffet line.

I don't care if you want to drive 40, just move over to the right when someone comes up behind you. Texas drivers don't seem to be able to master that concept. California drivers are better at it. You would think that might be reversed because of the number of guns in Texas but I suppose the people blocking traffic also are packing so they have some sense of entitlement.

I also don't care if you are traveling at or above the speed limit or at 100 miles per hour, if someone moves up behind you to a distance that would allow them to pass, move over. If they don't take the opportunity, then go for it.

Yes, I am the asshole that is riding your bumper going north on I-35. I hope that someday you will look back and actually obey the numerous signs that say that the left lane is for passing only.

Until then, beware.

A Gala Event

This past weekend the spousal unit and I had the distinct privilege of attending the wedding of her oldest male offspring

This occurred in beautiful Los Angeles (Tarzana, to be more precise) at a lovely country club overlooking the Valley.

The bride and the groom are both beautiful people, in appearance as well as character, and we couldn't be more proud.

We ate much good food and drank much good drink and partied well into the night. At least well into the night as it relates to old people.

The weather cooperated although it was hot when I arrived but cooled off in time for the event. Unfortunately (for the people involved), the smoke of the fires at Malibu wafted through the Valley. Our best wishes go out to all the people who lost lives, pets or property in these tragic series of events.

We were able to visit with family and old friends and make new friends. The bride's family predominately comes from the northeast and there was some concern (mainly on their part) about how the northern and southern components of this wedding gathering would interact. I don't know what their opinions are, but I have enjoyed getting to know them and now consider them good friends. They are good people and I welcome them as part of our extended family.

Some Rules for Living When Your Options Are Limited

Sometimes the best you can do is:

1. fluff the rat and call it a poodle;


2. move the turd to the other pocket; [1 and 2 courtesy of The Dilbert Blog]


3. when you have to eat shit, take big bites [commonly used maxim in the legal community].

The Value of Brush Cutting

Bush, the lesser, and I have something in common. We both have some land with brush on it. He has several thousand acres on his faux ranch and I have two acres. We both get to cut brush on our property. He cuts brush so that he doesn't have to think about what he is doing. I cut brush so I don't have to think about what he is doing.

This Always Makes Me Cry.

F.I.S.A - Fucking Incredible Statement of Abandonment

Once again, I am completely dumbfounded as to how things happen. Maybe someone can explain it to me (really, I mean that), but here's what I think happened.

Our 4th Amendment rights against unreasonable search and seizure have generally been pretty uniformly trampled upon throughout history by administrations that thought that the niceties of the Constitution just got in the way. However, the Supreme Court has held that even in the situations where national security was at risk, the Constitution still required a court order for wiretaps, electronic surveillance, etc. Then, in a series of actions that have further eroded our rights, Congress passed the FISA legislation in 1978. This established a super secret court that could approve such surveillance even after the fact but still required probable cause. The FISA legislation was crystal clear that it was the only method by which such surveillance could be conducted.

Enter President Cheney and Bush, the lesser, and stir in 9-11. In 2002, this band of merry rapers of the constitution authorized the NSA to conduct such surveillance without FISA court approval and without a showing of probable cause and without a warrant. In other words, they completely ignored the Constitution and the FISA act passed to circumvent it and just wrote their own rules or lack thereof. When this was exposed, although it was obvious they had just ignored the law, they said that they were authorized by the AUMF (Authorization for Use of Military Force) passed by Congress and used beyond recognition by Cheney to invade Iraq or in the alternative, the FISA law was unconstitutional because it limits the President's "inherent power" to provide for national security as the commander guy. Neither argument was worth a shit and the criminals just continued to ignore the law, but after a federal court declared the program unconstitutional, George, the lesser, agreed to have the program overseen by the FISA court, even if it wasn't clear how they were to do it and it was all a big secret.

Then, recently, the actions of these rights fuckers became so odoriferous that even the rubber stamp FISA court couldn't hold their noses tightly enough and declared some of their actions outside of the FISA authorization. This was also secret and if John Boehner, the Repug house minority leader, hadn't divulged classified information on national television and told about this decisions, they may have just continued to go about their business.

But then the really amazing thing happened. Bush, the lesser, with Cheney's hand up his ass and working his little puppet mouth, told Congress that they had to amend the FISA law immediately, before they went on summer recess or we would all die. He said this even though he has taken more time off from his job than Paris Hilton. So, the Democratic majority of the House and Senate, heeding their constituents' wishes when they voted for them in 2004 to stop this illegal and immoral war and rein in the abuses of the administration thugs, told the administration to shove it and refused to grant the additional authority and went on summer break so they could be like their Iraqi counterparts. And the voters cheered and cheered.

Wait, that wasn't exactly how this went down. Rather than do the right thing (described above) 16 Democratic senators and 41 Democratic representatives voted to give Bush, the lesser, added authority. Now, it is obvious that I don't know enough about what went on to know why they did this and they haven't bothered to tell me. You see, it is all secret and I think the Democrats that caved on this don't really know either. They just were afraid to look soft on terrorism and wanted to go on vacation and didn't give this the real attention it deserved. They abandoned their voters and left us twisting slowly in the wind.

Hell, what makes them think the administration would have done anything differently even if they had not voted for this? Cheney makes Bush, the lesser, sign a signing statement with each bill declaring kings x as it relates to him. So, they could have just gone on ignoring the law, as they have done all along.

So, I really don't understand the Democrats on this and I want one of them to explain it.

Here's what they have wrought. The President and the Attorney General (remember who this is, the bizarro George Washington) now can authorize surveillance without probable cause, without a warrant and without the supervision of a court. The only requirement is that one end of the conversation (telephone, e-mail, IM, text message, smoke signal, semaphore, etc.) be based outside the U.S. I'm not confident that they will even comply with this given their track record. Therefore, if you are an activist and Cheney wants to know about you and you communicate with someone outside the U.S. (and since it is hard to tell where internet message originate, maybe just look at all of them for good measure), then all they do is say the foreign entity is of interest (not even necessarily suspected of wrong doing). This will apply even if the person outside of the U.S. is a U.S. citizen. The FISA court can only look at the procedures to see if they are reasonably designed to determine if one of the participants is outside the U.S not the identity of the people involved and not whether probable cause existed. What a crock!

You pussy Democrats got some 'splaining to do!

Wrecked 'em, Hell! Damn near broke 'em.

I think it is evident that if George Bush, the lesser, had to have a brain scan they would hook up the electrodes to Karl Rove, Bush's brain. Therefore, I think it highly likely that during the lesser's recent colonscopy, they had to insert the tube through Cheney.

Just saying.

Something Is Better Than Nothing.

I understand that one of the reasons that there is not more anti-war activity in regard to the Iraq war is that because of the all volunteer army, most of us are not directly and personally affected by this clusterfuck. However, that does not excuse our apathy and laziness. Although it is much less that I would like to see, a Iraq Moratorium web site has been started (see http://www.iraqmoratorium.org/). It asks for a pledge to do something as minimal as wearing a black armband starting on September 21 and on each third Friday thereafter. We should all go there and sign the pledge and then build on the suggested activities until this abominable and criminal war is ended.

Please, let's end it.

Let It Be Written, Let It Be Done.

Cut off the head of the snake and the snake dies.

Movie Review - "Waitress" - Mothra 6.4

For rating metrics, see post of May 2, 2007.

Keri Russell (Felicity, mouseketeer) is a waitress that has a really bad husband, a really bad job, a really bad Southern accent and a talent for making pies. She gets pregnant by her really bad husband and has an affair with the captain of starship Serenity (Nathan Fillon). She is dead ended until Andy Griffith, playing a real bad parody of Matlock, leaves her some money. Then she ditches everyone and dances off into the sunset with her cute daughter. Total chick flick, but I liked it more than did the women in the group that saw it with me. I don't know why. Only worth a Netflix rental, if any. Warning: Will make you really hungry for pie, so don't look if you are on a diet or want a really good movie.

In Loco Parentis

This weekend is Fathers' Day. Like other made up holidays like Mothers' Day and Valentine's Day, I believe that the creation of such "holidays" is a crock. It is promoted to create card and restaurant sales and has nothing much deeper as a purpose. However, it does remind me that being a father is one of the most profoundly life changing events that can occur in a man's life. I tell new parents to be that having a child is going to change their life like no other event they will ever experience, other than having another child. As well as being life changing it is a deeply positive experience. The concept of unconditional love is nothing more than a concept until you witness the birth of your child and then you understand completely. I have had the benefit of having three wonderful children and two wonderful stepchildren. I feel humbled and totally incapable of the requirements of such a position but I love it and wouldn't trade it for anything. I may have dinner with one or more of my children on Fathers' Day and I will probably get a card from most of them. I think that is totally unnecessary but I appreciate it and more accurately, appreciate the opportunity to experience fatherhood, one the of the greatest things that can happen to a man. If I did anything right, as a father, I learned it from my Dad.

Thanks, Dad. I love you.

California Dreamin'...

The spousal unit and I just returned from a trip to Los Angeles to visit the spousal unit's eldest and his significant other. Both are lovely, hospitable people and we enjoyed our visit very much.

The spousal unit's eldest works for a movie production company that is presently filming a movie called "Days of Wrath". He took us to a couple of sets where the film was being made. We met Laurence Fishburne (Matrix's Morpheus) and saw Jeffrey Dean Morgan ("Denny" who died on "Grey's Anatomy") and Wilmer Valderrama ("Fez" on "That '70s Show"). Valderrama was playing a gang member and had shaved his head and had been inked and looked nothing like Fez. All in all, a vast improvement. We also were eating at a restaurant at the same time as Hillary Duff. Being old and hipply challenged, she had to be pointed out to us. Needless to say, all of this was very entertaining for us old folks from the country.

We also were treated to a trip to Santa Barbara and the Pasadena Flea Market at the Rose Bowl. Very entertaining.

The eldest and his significant other are betrothed with a scheduled wedding in October. We visited the venue of the planned nuptials and it is beautiful as are the bride and groom. The first picture above is the view from the country club where the wedding will occur.

We stayed in a hotel in Studio City on Ventura Boulevard. The restaurants are exceptional. We had lunch one day across the street from where Robert Blake did not kill his wife. We also had an opportunity to visit with an old friend who works for a famous gossip magazine. She always has a lot of good stuff on people that I know nothing about and she is also naturally hysterically funny. Very nice to see her again.

There are a lot of people in Los Angeles. I think I know a few reasons why. The weather is almost always perfect and the flowers and other decorations are exceptional. Living in paradise on a daily basis would not get old, if you have enough money. The restaurants are exceptional and the town is full of beautiful, talented people. You will not fully understand the extent of this until you have spent 30 or 40 minutes outside one of the studios and watched 5 or 6 of the most spectacular women you have ever seen walk by. And this is just one studio and one sidewalk.

I could live there happily (if I had enough money).

Movie Review - "Snakes On A Plane" - Rating: Mothra 2.8

For rating metrics, see post of May 2, 2007.

Plot line: Samuel Jackson is FBI who is escorting a surfer dude witness from Hawaii to the main land so surfer dude can testify in a criminal trial. Hawaiian mafia don't want him to testify so they arrange for some really pissed off snakes to be released throughout the plane carrying said surfer dude and Shaft. Much hissing and confusion ensues.

Here is how I imagine the creative process occurred relating to this movie.

3 or 4 twenty-something wannabe screen writers score some really good ganja one night and the following occurs:

" 'Mon, dude, pass it. Don't bogart the doobie". (It's obvious I'm hip to how they talk.)

" 'K, 'ere." (Sucking sound)

"Whoa, this is good shit. I'm toasted."

"Hey dawg, you know what would be really cool?"

"Yeah, some Cheetos and some fudge."

"Yeah, but what would be really cool would be a flick about a bunch of bad ass snakes getting loose in a tight place and having all the people have to deal with them."

"No way, that would be so lame."

"No, listen. What if a bunch of snakes crawled on a bus and bit everybody."

"Why wouldn't the people just get off the bus?"

"Strong point. Let's put them in a stuck elevator, no, let's put them in a plane! And the snakes don't get loose until the plane is in the air."

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"No, dude, wait. Somebody could sneak about a million snakes through security and hide them in the cargo room and then have them get out and go crazy."

"Yeah, but snakes are cold blooded and would just lie there and never go anywhere."

"I know! We'll hide them behind some flowers and spray the flowers with some stuff that drives the snakes crazy and then we'll have little explosive charges open the boxes for the snakes and then they'll crawl through the flowers and get freaking crazy. Oh my God, this is so good!"

"Where will you get the snakes?"

"No prob, we'll CGI'em. I know a guy."

"So why are the snakes on the plane?"

"OK, let's think. Some bad guys are trying to kill one person on the plane so rather than just shoot him when he's getting on or off the plane they concoct this James Bond villianesque plan to kill him with snakes. The good part is that they don't have to actually cause the victim to get bit as long as they just bring the plane down. So we could have them bite all the pilots."

"Great, then let's put a stereotype of everybody on the plane. We put on a really up tight white guy and a rapper and his posse and a elite white girl like Paris Hilton with a dog that gets bit and a lot of stuff like that."

"Yeah, then we could have every conceivable part of the human body get bit by snakes. Like two people joining the mile high club and the babe gets it in the aureole. And, and...a guy is taking a leak and one gets him on the johnson and a fat guy gets bit in the butt and someone gets bit in the eye. This is going to be so good!"

"What happens when the pilots get bit?"

"I know, I know! We could have one of the rapper's posse be a PlayStation expert that has played enough Flight Simulator that he flies the plane and then when he lands it successfully, he doesn't know how to stop it because he always just hit the Reset button and started another game. This is going to be huge!"

"This really needs Samuel Jackson in it."

"No way, Samuel Jackson has much too much pride to mess with this crap."