A Gala Event

This past weekend the spousal unit and I had the distinct privilege of attending the wedding of her oldest male offspring

This occurred in beautiful Los Angeles (Tarzana, to be more precise) at a lovely country club overlooking the Valley.

The bride and the groom are both beautiful people, in appearance as well as character, and we couldn't be more proud.

We ate much good food and drank much good drink and partied well into the night. At least well into the night as it relates to old people.

The weather cooperated although it was hot when I arrived but cooled off in time for the event. Unfortunately (for the people involved), the smoke of the fires at Malibu wafted through the Valley. Our best wishes go out to all the people who lost lives, pets or property in these tragic series of events.

We were able to visit with family and old friends and make new friends. The bride's family predominately comes from the northeast and there was some concern (mainly on their part) about how the northern and southern components of this wedding gathering would interact. I don't know what their opinions are, but I have enjoyed getting to know them and now consider them good friends. They are good people and I welcome them as part of our extended family.

Some Rules for Living When Your Options Are Limited

Sometimes the best you can do is:

1. fluff the rat and call it a poodle;


2. move the turd to the other pocket; [1 and 2 courtesy of The Dilbert Blog]


3. when you have to eat shit, take big bites [commonly used maxim in the legal community].

The Value of Brush Cutting

Bush, the lesser, and I have something in common. We both have some land with brush on it. He has several thousand acres on his faux ranch and I have two acres. We both get to cut brush on our property. He cuts brush so that he doesn't have to think about what he is doing. I cut brush so I don't have to think about what he is doing.

This Always Makes Me Cry.

F.I.S.A - Fucking Incredible Statement of Abandonment

Once again, I am completely dumbfounded as to how things happen. Maybe someone can explain it to me (really, I mean that), but here's what I think happened.

Our 4th Amendment rights against unreasonable search and seizure have generally been pretty uniformly trampled upon throughout history by administrations that thought that the niceties of the Constitution just got in the way. However, the Supreme Court has held that even in the situations where national security was at risk, the Constitution still required a court order for wiretaps, electronic surveillance, etc. Then, in a series of actions that have further eroded our rights, Congress passed the FISA legislation in 1978. This established a super secret court that could approve such surveillance even after the fact but still required probable cause. The FISA legislation was crystal clear that it was the only method by which such surveillance could be conducted.

Enter President Cheney and Bush, the lesser, and stir in 9-11. In 2002, this band of merry rapers of the constitution authorized the NSA to conduct such surveillance without FISA court approval and without a showing of probable cause and without a warrant. In other words, they completely ignored the Constitution and the FISA act passed to circumvent it and just wrote their own rules or lack thereof. When this was exposed, although it was obvious they had just ignored the law, they said that they were authorized by the AUMF (Authorization for Use of Military Force) passed by Congress and used beyond recognition by Cheney to invade Iraq or in the alternative, the FISA law was unconstitutional because it limits the President's "inherent power" to provide for national security as the commander guy. Neither argument was worth a shit and the criminals just continued to ignore the law, but after a federal court declared the program unconstitutional, George, the lesser, agreed to have the program overseen by the FISA court, even if it wasn't clear how they were to do it and it was all a big secret.

Then, recently, the actions of these rights fuckers became so odoriferous that even the rubber stamp FISA court couldn't hold their noses tightly enough and declared some of their actions outside of the FISA authorization. This was also secret and if John Boehner, the Repug house minority leader, hadn't divulged classified information on national television and told about this decisions, they may have just continued to go about their business.

But then the really amazing thing happened. Bush, the lesser, with Cheney's hand up his ass and working his little puppet mouth, told Congress that they had to amend the FISA law immediately, before they went on summer recess or we would all die. He said this even though he has taken more time off from his job than Paris Hilton. So, the Democratic majority of the House and Senate, heeding their constituents' wishes when they voted for them in 2004 to stop this illegal and immoral war and rein in the abuses of the administration thugs, told the administration to shove it and refused to grant the additional authority and went on summer break so they could be like their Iraqi counterparts. And the voters cheered and cheered.

Wait, that wasn't exactly how this went down. Rather than do the right thing (described above) 16 Democratic senators and 41 Democratic representatives voted to give Bush, the lesser, added authority. Now, it is obvious that I don't know enough about what went on to know why they did this and they haven't bothered to tell me. You see, it is all secret and I think the Democrats that caved on this don't really know either. They just were afraid to look soft on terrorism and wanted to go on vacation and didn't give this the real attention it deserved. They abandoned their voters and left us twisting slowly in the wind.

Hell, what makes them think the administration would have done anything differently even if they had not voted for this? Cheney makes Bush, the lesser, sign a signing statement with each bill declaring kings x as it relates to him. So, they could have just gone on ignoring the law, as they have done all along.

So, I really don't understand the Democrats on this and I want one of them to explain it.

Here's what they have wrought. The President and the Attorney General (remember who this is, the bizarro George Washington) now can authorize surveillance without probable cause, without a warrant and without the supervision of a court. The only requirement is that one end of the conversation (telephone, e-mail, IM, text message, smoke signal, semaphore, etc.) be based outside the U.S. I'm not confident that they will even comply with this given their track record. Therefore, if you are an activist and Cheney wants to know about you and you communicate with someone outside the U.S. (and since it is hard to tell where internet message originate, maybe just look at all of them for good measure), then all they do is say the foreign entity is of interest (not even necessarily suspected of wrong doing). This will apply even if the person outside of the U.S. is a U.S. citizen. The FISA court can only look at the procedures to see if they are reasonably designed to determine if one of the participants is outside the U.S not the identity of the people involved and not whether probable cause existed. What a crock!

You pussy Democrats got some 'splaining to do!

Wrecked 'em, Hell! Damn near broke 'em.

I think it is evident that if George Bush, the lesser, had to have a brain scan they would hook up the electrodes to Karl Rove, Bush's brain. Therefore, I think it highly likely that during the lesser's recent colonscopy, they had to insert the tube through Cheney.

Just saying.

Something Is Better Than Nothing.

I understand that one of the reasons that there is not more anti-war activity in regard to the Iraq war is that because of the all volunteer army, most of us are not directly and personally affected by this clusterfuck. However, that does not excuse our apathy and laziness. Although it is much less that I would like to see, a Iraq Moratorium web site has been started (see http://www.iraqmoratorium.org/). It asks for a pledge to do something as minimal as wearing a black armband starting on September 21 and on each third Friday thereafter. We should all go there and sign the pledge and then build on the suggested activities until this abominable and criminal war is ended.

Please, let's end it.

Let It Be Written, Let It Be Done.

Cut off the head of the snake and the snake dies.

Movie Review - "Waitress" - Mothra 6.4

For rating metrics, see post of May 2, 2007.

Keri Russell (Felicity, mouseketeer) is a waitress that has a really bad husband, a really bad job, a really bad Southern accent and a talent for making pies. She gets pregnant by her really bad husband and has an affair with the captain of starship Serenity (Nathan Fillon). She is dead ended until Andy Griffith, playing a real bad parody of Matlock, leaves her some money. Then she ditches everyone and dances off into the sunset with her cute daughter. Total chick flick, but I liked it more than did the women in the group that saw it with me. I don't know why. Only worth a Netflix rental, if any. Warning: Will make you really hungry for pie, so don't look if you are on a diet or want a really good movie.

In Loco Parentis

This weekend is Fathers' Day. Like other made up holidays like Mothers' Day and Valentine's Day, I believe that the creation of such "holidays" is a crock. It is promoted to create card and restaurant sales and has nothing much deeper as a purpose. However, it does remind me that being a father is one of the most profoundly life changing events that can occur in a man's life. I tell new parents to be that having a child is going to change their life like no other event they will ever experience, other than having another child. As well as being life changing it is a deeply positive experience. The concept of unconditional love is nothing more than a concept until you witness the birth of your child and then you understand completely. I have had the benefit of having three wonderful children and two wonderful stepchildren. I feel humbled and totally incapable of the requirements of such a position but I love it and wouldn't trade it for anything. I may have dinner with one or more of my children on Fathers' Day and I will probably get a card from most of them. I think that is totally unnecessary but I appreciate it and more accurately, appreciate the opportunity to experience fatherhood, one the of the greatest things that can happen to a man. If I did anything right, as a father, I learned it from my Dad.

Thanks, Dad. I love you.

California Dreamin'...

The spousal unit and I just returned from a trip to Los Angeles to visit the spousal unit's eldest and his significant other. Both are lovely, hospitable people and we enjoyed our visit very much.

The spousal unit's eldest works for a movie production company that is presently filming a movie called "Days of Wrath". He took us to a couple of sets where the film was being made. We met Laurence Fishburne (Matrix's Morpheus) and saw Jeffrey Dean Morgan ("Denny" who died on "Grey's Anatomy") and Wilmer Valderrama ("Fez" on "That '70s Show"). Valderrama was playing a gang member and had shaved his head and had been inked and looked nothing like Fez. All in all, a vast improvement. We also were eating at a restaurant at the same time as Hillary Duff. Being old and hipply challenged, she had to be pointed out to us. Needless to say, all of this was very entertaining for us old folks from the country.

We also were treated to a trip to Santa Barbara and the Pasadena Flea Market at the Rose Bowl. Very entertaining.

The eldest and his significant other are betrothed with a scheduled wedding in October. We visited the venue of the planned nuptials and it is beautiful as are the bride and groom. The first picture above is the view from the country club where the wedding will occur.

We stayed in a hotel in Studio City on Ventura Boulevard. The restaurants are exceptional. We had lunch one day across the street from where Robert Blake did not kill his wife. We also had an opportunity to visit with an old friend who works for a famous gossip magazine. She always has a lot of good stuff on people that I know nothing about and she is also naturally hysterically funny. Very nice to see her again.

There are a lot of people in Los Angeles. I think I know a few reasons why. The weather is almost always perfect and the flowers and other decorations are exceptional. Living in paradise on a daily basis would not get old, if you have enough money. The restaurants are exceptional and the town is full of beautiful, talented people. You will not fully understand the extent of this until you have spent 30 or 40 minutes outside one of the studios and watched 5 or 6 of the most spectacular women you have ever seen walk by. And this is just one studio and one sidewalk.

I could live there happily (if I had enough money).

Movie Review - "Snakes On A Plane" - Rating: Mothra 2.8

For rating metrics, see post of May 2, 2007.

Plot line: Samuel Jackson is FBI who is escorting a surfer dude witness from Hawaii to the main land so surfer dude can testify in a criminal trial. Hawaiian mafia don't want him to testify so they arrange for some really pissed off snakes to be released throughout the plane carrying said surfer dude and Shaft. Much hissing and confusion ensues.

Here is how I imagine the creative process occurred relating to this movie.

3 or 4 twenty-something wannabe screen writers score some really good ganja one night and the following occurs:

" 'Mon, dude, pass it. Don't bogart the doobie". (It's obvious I'm hip to how they talk.)

" 'K, 'ere." (Sucking sound)

"Whoa, this is good shit. I'm toasted."

"Hey dawg, you know what would be really cool?"

"Yeah, some Cheetos and some fudge."

"Yeah, but what would be really cool would be a flick about a bunch of bad ass snakes getting loose in a tight place and having all the people have to deal with them."

"No way, that would be so lame."

"No, listen. What if a bunch of snakes crawled on a bus and bit everybody."

"Why wouldn't the people just get off the bus?"

"Strong point. Let's put them in a stuck elevator, no, let's put them in a plane! And the snakes don't get loose until the plane is in the air."

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"No, dude, wait. Somebody could sneak about a million snakes through security and hide them in the cargo room and then have them get out and go crazy."

"Yeah, but snakes are cold blooded and would just lie there and never go anywhere."

"I know! We'll hide them behind some flowers and spray the flowers with some stuff that drives the snakes crazy and then we'll have little explosive charges open the boxes for the snakes and then they'll crawl through the flowers and get freaking crazy. Oh my God, this is so good!"

"Where will you get the snakes?"

"No prob, we'll CGI'em. I know a guy."

"So why are the snakes on the plane?"

"OK, let's think. Some bad guys are trying to kill one person on the plane so rather than just shoot him when he's getting on or off the plane they concoct this James Bond villianesque plan to kill him with snakes. The good part is that they don't have to actually cause the victim to get bit as long as they just bring the plane down. So we could have them bite all the pilots."

"Great, then let's put a stereotype of everybody on the plane. We put on a really up tight white guy and a rapper and his posse and a elite white girl like Paris Hilton with a dog that gets bit and a lot of stuff like that."

"Yeah, then we could have every conceivable part of the human body get bit by snakes. Like two people joining the mile high club and the babe gets it in the aureole. And, and...a guy is taking a leak and one gets him on the johnson and a fat guy gets bit in the butt and someone gets bit in the eye. This is going to be so good!"

"What happens when the pilots get bit?"

"I know, I know! We could have one of the rapper's posse be a PlayStation expert that has played enough Flight Simulator that he flies the plane and then when he lands it successfully, he doesn't know how to stop it because he always just hit the Reset button and started another game. This is going to be huge!"

"This really needs Samuel Jackson in it."

"No way, Samuel Jackson has much too much pride to mess with this crap."

Movie Review - "Fracture" - Rating: Mothra 7.4

For rating metrics see the previous post.

"Fracture" stars Anthony Hopkins (a million movies) and Ryan Gosling (Notebook, Remember The Titans, Murder By Numbers) and some other people. Anthony Hopkins is a really smart dude whose younger wife is having an affair with a policeman hostage negotiator. Naturally, Hopkins kills his wife. Gosling is a hot shot prosecutor who is leaving the prosecutor's office for a better gig at a large law firm. Hopkins games the system, acts as his own lawyer and in spite of a confession and being the only one in the house at the time of the murder and being caught with a gun in his hand, he manages to beat the rap with Gosling as the prosecutor. Naturally, Gosling is fired from the prosecutor's office and looses his new job at the law firm along with the hot chick lawyer from the new firm that, for no apparent reason, has taken to him. The cat and mouse game between Hopkins and Gosling (with the roles changing a couple of times) is interesting and there is some pretty good acting in almost all the roles. We saw it at the theater and it was worth the price of admission.

We misjudged the starting time a little bit and to waste some time, we walked in to the theater showing "Blades Of Glory" with Will Ferrel and the guy from "Napoleon Dynamite". I would have been pissed if I had paid to see that stuff. Solely from about 20 minutes of that minutes, I would rate it as a Mothra 3.8. Don't pay full price to see this movie and only watch it if Netflix delivers it to you by mistake.

"Spiderman 3" also opened the night we saw Fracture and judging by the massive crowds and the large number of screens on which it was showing, this could be a blockbuster.

Movie Reviews - A New Public Service

Let me take time out from my incessant bitching to institute a new public service: movie reviews. I will attempt to bring a level of consistent professionalism to movie reviews that has been absent from such efforts in the past. I will use a stolen system to rate the movies that I have seen. Since I don't have many (any) original thoughts, I will rate movies according to the "Mothra" rating system. I read about this systems some time in the past and I made a half assed attempt to Google it but found nothing, so I'll use it like I own it. All movies shall be rated for overall appeal on a scale of 1 to 10 with Mothra as a 5. As everybody know, Mothra (the 1961 original), was about two very small twins from a radioactive island (the root of all mutations in Japanese movies) that use telepathic songs to summon their friend, Mothra, the giant moth. Mothra goes to Tokyo to find the pint sized twins and rescue them and in the process, the wind from his wings cause great destruction along his path and on Tokyo eventually. The special effects are spectacular with the Mothra model beating his wings a couple of times and achieving supersonic speed almost immediately. The best scene in the movie, aside from the high pitched keening of the twins' song, is where Mothra is flying over a city with the expected destruction ensuing and a man is walking down the street leaning against the wind caused by Mothra when a car goes blowing past him.

Therefore, by definition Mothra is a "Mothra" 5 and all other movies will be rated based on this.

Like I said, a highly technical, tightly defined system.

But She Won't Invite Him To Sit With the Kewl Kids

Bush, the lesser, was asked at a news conference yesterday what would happen since the Iranian ambassador would be attending the same European Summit as Condi Rice. His answer was that Condi would be nice to the ambassador if they were to bump into each other but no other discussions would happen. Holy Shit! This is so juvenile! It is embarrassing to think that dialog that could defuse an escalating situation will not happen because the "leaders" of our country will not engage in discussions with a select group of countries. Obviously, it is to continue the drumbeat leading to a potential action against Iran. The handlers of Bush, the lesser, want this to continue so that the war business can be expanded and financial projections can be met. The neocon Kool Aid drinkers think he is being tough. Not so, he is either stupid or immoral and probably both.

Deliver us from evil.

Best Magazine Cover Since Anna Nicole Was On The Cover of Playboy

These would be the best things to happen to the country since, well, ever.

I don't know who did this and I may be violating all manner of copyrights, but this is too good not to share.

Please, make it so.

Hey, President Bush, I Want the Job.

President George W. Bush

White House

Washington, D.C.

RE: Position of War Czar

Dear President Bush:

I have become aware that you are seeking to fill a position in your administration to which you have referred as a war "czar". This position would have as its objective the coordination of all your present wars. As best as I can reason this includes the following:

1. The war on drugs,
2. The global war on terror,
3. The war on immigration and immigrants,
4. The war on voter fraud and the war on U.S. attorneys that don't prosecute such fraud when it would aid in reducing votes for the Democratic candidates,
5. The war on Afghanistan and the search for Osama (you may have actually forgotten about this one, so forgive me if this one is irrelevant),
6. The war on poverty (this may also be incorrect because this was put in place by a Democrat and then killed by a Republican, so it probably should just be referred to as the war on poor people),
7. The war on Iraq, which is the crown jewel of achievements in your administration,
8. The war on agencies and departments being operated for competence and for non-political reasons,
9. The war on religion unless it is U.S. government sponsored,
10. The war on abortion,
11. The war on the other two branches of government,
12. The war on telling kids any thing about sex except "keep it in your pants".

I may have missed one or two but because you are, by your own admission (and actions) a war president, you really need a war czar just to catalog and list your wars, if nothing else.

I know that several generals and others with "war" experience have run screaming from the room when you asked them about their interest in this position, but you shouldn't get discouraged because I am here for you. My resume is attached and from it you can see that I am every bit as qualified to be war czar as some of your other stellar appointments were for their posts. Brown, Bolton, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld, Roberts and Bremer spring to mind as well as the new U.S. attorneys. I believe I could follow in the very large footsteps made by these giants of efficiency and competence.

However, there as some things about me that you would not readily pick up from my resume that I believe are relevant about me and the way I think. I believe that you will share my enthusiasm for me after you read the following list.

First, I am white, male and middle aged. I have made large contributions to the Republican Party in the past, both in terms of contributing money and in terms of monitoring polling place to keep brown skinned people from voting and in monitoring Tricky Rick Perry's eye in the sky to tell on people risking their life to better their life. I never had the opportunity to attend such a fine preparatory school as Regent University so I had to actually go to a real law school and compete for a job. I don't like that and that's why I'm looking for this gig. I figure that I can stall in doing anything until you are out of office and Halliburton has met Wall Street's expectations for 6 or 7 more quarters. This will set you and Uncle Dick up fine for the long run and allow you to keep the promises to them and others you made when they selected you to be the figure head. I fully expect the Medal of Freedom for this effort.

Secondly, I hold many beliefs in common with other true believers (29% now?) in the grand Republican party.

For example, I believe that Jesus loves you and wanted you to be president, speaks to you regularly (you do hear those voices in your head still, don't you?) and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary.

I know that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when your daddy, Bush the Elder, made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when you needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

I agree with you that trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

You, me and John Bolton think that United States should get out of the United Nations but our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

We all know that a woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

You have shown conclusively that the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, but deprive them of adequate equipment and slash veterans' benefits and combat pay.

It can't really be refuted that if condoms and sex education are kept out of schools and the students are told just to abstain, adolescents won't have sex.

I firmly believe that a good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Your appointees have proven that global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extra-marital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but your driving record is none of their business.

Being a drug addict and/or an alcoholic is a moral failing and a crime, unless it's you or if you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and our prayers are needed for your recovery.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what you did in the '80's is irrelevant.

You can see that I possess many of the qualities that you prize and that you have rewarded with position and promotion in the past, so I eagerly await your call.

Conservatively yours,

Othell Zilch, your friend and patriot

When Do We Mourn The Others?

We have been subjected to the truly awful pictures and story of the killing of 32 people at Virginia Tech. Both opponents and proponents of gun control have cited this incident as evidence that their position on this issue is correct. This is a terrible tragedy and we should grieve as a nation for the loss of innocent youth. Flags are flying at half mast to symbolize our collective grief. However, why do we not also grieve for the 34 people a day that die from accidental gun shots and homicides with guns in the US? Why do we not grieve for the much larger number of people each day that commit suicide by using guns? And also, why do we not grieve for the loss of innocent youth in Iraq, both US and Iraqi? Obviously, I don't have any answers but it seems that unbelievably short sighted policies relating to gun control and to the illegal war are at the center of these issues. As to gun control, the easy access to guns has to contribute. Guns do kill people. Bumper sticker philosophy aside, anybody who says differently is full of shit. If guns were less available, less gun violence would occur. Tragedies like Virginia Tech may still occur, but a lot of the other tragedies might be averted if a child didn't find a loaded gun in the bed side table or a drunk asshole didn't have a loaded Glock in the glove compartment of his truck when his "honor" is impugned.

Let's get real about this issue. The Second Amendment was never intended to allow access to assault rifles or semi-automatic weapons. When the Second Amendment was enacted, the weapons available to the populace were also the only weapons available to the government. To extend that thinking to the situation today, citizens should be able to own and use cruise missiles and nuclear weapons. Aside from the NRA, no reasonable person can assert this position credibly.

Let's do something constructive to stop the loss of young innocent life. Let's deal with guns and stop this insane war.

Burnished by Bush: Bill Clinton's Legacy

At the end of Bill Clinton's presidency, most people remembered that he lied about a blow job. Six years into Bush the Lesser's term, most people now remember 8 years of peace and prosperity, exceptional intelligence, ability to speak in an articulate manner and grace under fire. The blow job has become a historical foot note. Bill should send the Lesser a thank you card. If the Lesser had exhibited even a scintilla of intelligence or had done even one thing right after 9/11, people might still just primarily remember the blow job.

George Bush, the best thing for Bill Clinton's legacy.

Lost (Pines) Weekend

We had the opportunity to spend the last weekend at the Hyatt Lost Pines Resort between Austin and Bastrop. It is very kid friendly but with enough adult diversions (spa, golf, adult beverages) to make it worthwhile for the old folks. We also were fortunate to spend the time with some of our favorite people. There were also some beautiful children there, as evidenced by the pictures above.