Movie Review - "Waitress" - Mothra 6.4

For rating metrics, see post of May 2, 2007.

Keri Russell (Felicity, mouseketeer) is a waitress that has a really bad husband, a really bad job, a really bad Southern accent and a talent for making pies. She gets pregnant by her really bad husband and has an affair with the captain of starship Serenity (Nathan Fillon). She is dead ended until Andy Griffith, playing a real bad parody of Matlock, leaves her some money. Then she ditches everyone and dances off into the sunset with her cute daughter. Total chick flick, but I liked it more than did the women in the group that saw it with me. I don't know why. Only worth a Netflix rental, if any. Warning: Will make you really hungry for pie, so don't look if you are on a diet or want a really good movie.

In Loco Parentis

This weekend is Fathers' Day. Like other made up holidays like Mothers' Day and Valentine's Day, I believe that the creation of such "holidays" is a crock. It is promoted to create card and restaurant sales and has nothing much deeper as a purpose. However, it does remind me that being a father is one of the most profoundly life changing events that can occur in a man's life. I tell new parents to be that having a child is going to change their life like no other event they will ever experience, other than having another child. As well as being life changing it is a deeply positive experience. The concept of unconditional love is nothing more than a concept until you witness the birth of your child and then you understand completely. I have had the benefit of having three wonderful children and two wonderful stepchildren. I feel humbled and totally incapable of the requirements of such a position but I love it and wouldn't trade it for anything. I may have dinner with one or more of my children on Fathers' Day and I will probably get a card from most of them. I think that is totally unnecessary but I appreciate it and more accurately, appreciate the opportunity to experience fatherhood, one the of the greatest things that can happen to a man. If I did anything right, as a father, I learned it from my Dad.

Thanks, Dad. I love you.

California Dreamin'...

The spousal unit and I just returned from a trip to Los Angeles to visit the spousal unit's eldest and his significant other. Both are lovely, hospitable people and we enjoyed our visit very much.

The spousal unit's eldest works for a movie production company that is presently filming a movie called "Days of Wrath". He took us to a couple of sets where the film was being made. We met Laurence Fishburne (Matrix's Morpheus) and saw Jeffrey Dean Morgan ("Denny" who died on "Grey's Anatomy") and Wilmer Valderrama ("Fez" on "That '70s Show"). Valderrama was playing a gang member and had shaved his head and had been inked and looked nothing like Fez. All in all, a vast improvement. We also were eating at a restaurant at the same time as Hillary Duff. Being old and hipply challenged, she had to be pointed out to us. Needless to say, all of this was very entertaining for us old folks from the country.

We also were treated to a trip to Santa Barbara and the Pasadena Flea Market at the Rose Bowl. Very entertaining.

The eldest and his significant other are betrothed with a scheduled wedding in October. We visited the venue of the planned nuptials and it is beautiful as are the bride and groom. The first picture above is the view from the country club where the wedding will occur.

We stayed in a hotel in Studio City on Ventura Boulevard. The restaurants are exceptional. We had lunch one day across the street from where Robert Blake did not kill his wife. We also had an opportunity to visit with an old friend who works for a famous gossip magazine. She always has a lot of good stuff on people that I know nothing about and she is also naturally hysterically funny. Very nice to see her again.

There are a lot of people in Los Angeles. I think I know a few reasons why. The weather is almost always perfect and the flowers and other decorations are exceptional. Living in paradise on a daily basis would not get old, if you have enough money. The restaurants are exceptional and the town is full of beautiful, talented people. You will not fully understand the extent of this until you have spent 30 or 40 minutes outside one of the studios and watched 5 or 6 of the most spectacular women you have ever seen walk by. And this is just one studio and one sidewalk.

I could live there happily (if I had enough money).

Movie Review - "Snakes On A Plane" - Rating: Mothra 2.8

For rating metrics, see post of May 2, 2007.

Plot line: Samuel Jackson is FBI who is escorting a surfer dude witness from Hawaii to the main land so surfer dude can testify in a criminal trial. Hawaiian mafia don't want him to testify so they arrange for some really pissed off snakes to be released throughout the plane carrying said surfer dude and Shaft. Much hissing and confusion ensues.

Here is how I imagine the creative process occurred relating to this movie.

3 or 4 twenty-something wannabe screen writers score some really good ganja one night and the following occurs:

" 'Mon, dude, pass it. Don't bogart the doobie". (It's obvious I'm hip to how they talk.)

" 'K, 'ere." (Sucking sound)

"Whoa, this is good shit. I'm toasted."

"Hey dawg, you know what would be really cool?"

"Yeah, some Cheetos and some fudge."

"Yeah, but what would be really cool would be a flick about a bunch of bad ass snakes getting loose in a tight place and having all the people have to deal with them."

"No way, that would be so lame."

"No, listen. What if a bunch of snakes crawled on a bus and bit everybody."

"Why wouldn't the people just get off the bus?"

"Strong point. Let's put them in a stuck elevator, no, let's put them in a plane! And the snakes don't get loose until the plane is in the air."

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"No, dude, wait. Somebody could sneak about a million snakes through security and hide them in the cargo room and then have them get out and go crazy."

"Yeah, but snakes are cold blooded and would just lie there and never go anywhere."

"I know! We'll hide them behind some flowers and spray the flowers with some stuff that drives the snakes crazy and then we'll have little explosive charges open the boxes for the snakes and then they'll crawl through the flowers and get freaking crazy. Oh my God, this is so good!"

"Where will you get the snakes?"

"No prob, we'll CGI'em. I know a guy."

"So why are the snakes on the plane?"

"OK, let's think. Some bad guys are trying to kill one person on the plane so rather than just shoot him when he's getting on or off the plane they concoct this James Bond villianesque plan to kill him with snakes. The good part is that they don't have to actually cause the victim to get bit as long as they just bring the plane down. So we could have them bite all the pilots."

"Great, then let's put a stereotype of everybody on the plane. We put on a really up tight white guy and a rapper and his posse and a elite white girl like Paris Hilton with a dog that gets bit and a lot of stuff like that."

"Yeah, then we could have every conceivable part of the human body get bit by snakes. Like two people joining the mile high club and the babe gets it in the aureole. And, and...a guy is taking a leak and one gets him on the johnson and a fat guy gets bit in the butt and someone gets bit in the eye. This is going to be so good!"

"What happens when the pilots get bit?"

"I know, I know! We could have one of the rapper's posse be a PlayStation expert that has played enough Flight Simulator that he flies the plane and then when he lands it successfully, he doesn't know how to stop it because he always just hit the Reset button and started another game. This is going to be huge!"

"This really needs Samuel Jackson in it."

"No way, Samuel Jackson has much too much pride to mess with this crap."

Movie Review - "Fracture" - Rating: Mothra 7.4

For rating metrics see the previous post.

"Fracture" stars Anthony Hopkins (a million movies) and Ryan Gosling (Notebook, Remember The Titans, Murder By Numbers) and some other people. Anthony Hopkins is a really smart dude whose younger wife is having an affair with a policeman hostage negotiator. Naturally, Hopkins kills his wife. Gosling is a hot shot prosecutor who is leaving the prosecutor's office for a better gig at a large law firm. Hopkins games the system, acts as his own lawyer and in spite of a confession and being the only one in the house at the time of the murder and being caught with a gun in his hand, he manages to beat the rap with Gosling as the prosecutor. Naturally, Gosling is fired from the prosecutor's office and looses his new job at the law firm along with the hot chick lawyer from the new firm that, for no apparent reason, has taken to him. The cat and mouse game between Hopkins and Gosling (with the roles changing a couple of times) is interesting and there is some pretty good acting in almost all the roles. We saw it at the theater and it was worth the price of admission.

We misjudged the starting time a little bit and to waste some time, we walked in to the theater showing "Blades Of Glory" with Will Ferrel and the guy from "Napoleon Dynamite". I would have been pissed if I had paid to see that stuff. Solely from about 20 minutes of that minutes, I would rate it as a Mothra 3.8. Don't pay full price to see this movie and only watch it if Netflix delivers it to you by mistake.

"Spiderman 3" also opened the night we saw Fracture and judging by the massive crowds and the large number of screens on which it was showing, this could be a blockbuster.

Movie Reviews - A New Public Service

Let me take time out from my incessant bitching to institute a new public service: movie reviews. I will attempt to bring a level of consistent professionalism to movie reviews that has been absent from such efforts in the past. I will use a stolen system to rate the movies that I have seen. Since I don't have many (any) original thoughts, I will rate movies according to the "Mothra" rating system. I read about this systems some time in the past and I made a half assed attempt to Google it but found nothing, so I'll use it like I own it. All movies shall be rated for overall appeal on a scale of 1 to 10 with Mothra as a 5. As everybody know, Mothra (the 1961 original), was about two very small twins from a radioactive island (the root of all mutations in Japanese movies) that use telepathic songs to summon their friend, Mothra, the giant moth. Mothra goes to Tokyo to find the pint sized twins and rescue them and in the process, the wind from his wings cause great destruction along his path and on Tokyo eventually. The special effects are spectacular with the Mothra model beating his wings a couple of times and achieving supersonic speed almost immediately. The best scene in the movie, aside from the high pitched keening of the twins' song, is where Mothra is flying over a city with the expected destruction ensuing and a man is walking down the street leaning against the wind caused by Mothra when a car goes blowing past him.

Therefore, by definition Mothra is a "Mothra" 5 and all other movies will be rated based on this.

Like I said, a highly technical, tightly defined system.

But She Won't Invite Him To Sit With the Kewl Kids

Bush, the lesser, was asked at a news conference yesterday what would happen since the Iranian ambassador would be attending the same European Summit as Condi Rice. His answer was that Condi would be nice to the ambassador if they were to bump into each other but no other discussions would happen. Holy Shit! This is so juvenile! It is embarrassing to think that dialog that could defuse an escalating situation will not happen because the "leaders" of our country will not engage in discussions with a select group of countries. Obviously, it is to continue the drumbeat leading to a potential action against Iran. The handlers of Bush, the lesser, want this to continue so that the war business can be expanded and financial projections can be met. The neocon Kool Aid drinkers think he is being tough. Not so, he is either stupid or immoral and probably both.

Deliver us from evil.

Best Magazine Cover Since Anna Nicole Was On The Cover of Playboy

These would be the best things to happen to the country since, well, ever.

I don't know who did this and I may be violating all manner of copyrights, but this is too good not to share.

Please, make it so.

Hey, President Bush, I Want the Job.

President George W. Bush

White House

Washington, D.C.

RE: Position of War Czar

Dear President Bush:

I have become aware that you are seeking to fill a position in your administration to which you have referred as a war "czar". This position would have as its objective the coordination of all your present wars. As best as I can reason this includes the following:

1. The war on drugs,
2. The global war on terror,
3. The war on immigration and immigrants,
4. The war on voter fraud and the war on U.S. attorneys that don't prosecute such fraud when it would aid in reducing votes for the Democratic candidates,
5. The war on Afghanistan and the search for Osama (you may have actually forgotten about this one, so forgive me if this one is irrelevant),
6. The war on poverty (this may also be incorrect because this was put in place by a Democrat and then killed by a Republican, so it probably should just be referred to as the war on poor people),
7. The war on Iraq, which is the crown jewel of achievements in your administration,
8. The war on agencies and departments being operated for competence and for non-political reasons,
9. The war on religion unless it is U.S. government sponsored,
10. The war on abortion,
11. The war on the other two branches of government,
12. The war on telling kids any thing about sex except "keep it in your pants".

I may have missed one or two but because you are, by your own admission (and actions) a war president, you really need a war czar just to catalog and list your wars, if nothing else.

I know that several generals and others with "war" experience have run screaming from the room when you asked them about their interest in this position, but you shouldn't get discouraged because I am here for you. My resume is attached and from it you can see that I am every bit as qualified to be war czar as some of your other stellar appointments were for their posts. Brown, Bolton, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld, Roberts and Bremer spring to mind as well as the new U.S. attorneys. I believe I could follow in the very large footsteps made by these giants of efficiency and competence.

However, there as some things about me that you would not readily pick up from my resume that I believe are relevant about me and the way I think. I believe that you will share my enthusiasm for me after you read the following list.

First, I am white, male and middle aged. I have made large contributions to the Republican Party in the past, both in terms of contributing money and in terms of monitoring polling place to keep brown skinned people from voting and in monitoring Tricky Rick Perry's eye in the sky to tell on people risking their life to better their life. I never had the opportunity to attend such a fine preparatory school as Regent University so I had to actually go to a real law school and compete for a job. I don't like that and that's why I'm looking for this gig. I figure that I can stall in doing anything until you are out of office and Halliburton has met Wall Street's expectations for 6 or 7 more quarters. This will set you and Uncle Dick up fine for the long run and allow you to keep the promises to them and others you made when they selected you to be the figure head. I fully expect the Medal of Freedom for this effort.

Secondly, I hold many beliefs in common with other true believers (29% now?) in the grand Republican party.

For example, I believe that Jesus loves you and wanted you to be president, speaks to you regularly (you do hear those voices in your head still, don't you?) and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary.

I know that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when your daddy, Bush the Elder, made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when you needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

I agree with you that trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

You, me and John Bolton think that United States should get out of the United Nations but our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

We all know that a woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

You have shown conclusively that the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, but deprive them of adequate equipment and slash veterans' benefits and combat pay.

It can't really be refuted that if condoms and sex education are kept out of schools and the students are told just to abstain, adolescents won't have sex.

I firmly believe that a good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Your appointees have proven that global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extra-marital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but your driving record is none of their business.

Being a drug addict and/or an alcoholic is a moral failing and a crime, unless it's you or if you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and our prayers are needed for your recovery.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what you did in the '80's is irrelevant.

You can see that I possess many of the qualities that you prize and that you have rewarded with position and promotion in the past, so I eagerly await your call.

Conservatively yours,

Othell Zilch, your friend and patriot

When Do We Mourn The Others?

We have been subjected to the truly awful pictures and story of the killing of 32 people at Virginia Tech. Both opponents and proponents of gun control have cited this incident as evidence that their position on this issue is correct. This is a terrible tragedy and we should grieve as a nation for the loss of innocent youth. Flags are flying at half mast to symbolize our collective grief. However, why do we not also grieve for the 34 people a day that die from accidental gun shots and homicides with guns in the US? Why do we not grieve for the much larger number of people each day that commit suicide by using guns? And also, why do we not grieve for the loss of innocent youth in Iraq, both US and Iraqi? Obviously, I don't have any answers but it seems that unbelievably short sighted policies relating to gun control and to the illegal war are at the center of these issues. As to gun control, the easy access to guns has to contribute. Guns do kill people. Bumper sticker philosophy aside, anybody who says differently is full of shit. If guns were less available, less gun violence would occur. Tragedies like Virginia Tech may still occur, but a lot of the other tragedies might be averted if a child didn't find a loaded gun in the bed side table or a drunk asshole didn't have a loaded Glock in the glove compartment of his truck when his "honor" is impugned.

Let's get real about this issue. The Second Amendment was never intended to allow access to assault rifles or semi-automatic weapons. When the Second Amendment was enacted, the weapons available to the populace were also the only weapons available to the government. To extend that thinking to the situation today, citizens should be able to own and use cruise missiles and nuclear weapons. Aside from the NRA, no reasonable person can assert this position credibly.

Let's do something constructive to stop the loss of young innocent life. Let's deal with guns and stop this insane war.

Burnished by Bush: Bill Clinton's Legacy

At the end of Bill Clinton's presidency, most people remembered that he lied about a blow job. Six years into Bush the Lesser's term, most people now remember 8 years of peace and prosperity, exceptional intelligence, ability to speak in an articulate manner and grace under fire. The blow job has become a historical foot note. Bill should send the Lesser a thank you card. If the Lesser had exhibited even a scintilla of intelligence or had done even one thing right after 9/11, people might still just primarily remember the blow job.

George Bush, the best thing for Bill Clinton's legacy.

Lost (Pines) Weekend

We had the opportunity to spend the last weekend at the Hyatt Lost Pines Resort between Austin and Bastrop. It is very kid friendly but with enough adult diversions (spa, golf, adult beverages) to make it worthwhile for the old folks. We also were fortunate to spend the time with some of our favorite people. There were also some beautiful children there, as evidenced by the pictures above.

Monday Morning Dog Blogging-Because I Can.

Four Noir Years

Today marks the fourth anniversary of the start of the quagmire we lovingly call the war on Iraq. Bush, the Lesser, with Cheney's hand up his ass working his mouth, gave the obligatory anniversary speech and tried to scare the shit out of us again.

"It can be tempting to ... conclude our best option is to pack up and go home ... but I believe the consequences for American security would be devastating."

More tellingly, he also said: "At this point in the war, our most important mission is helping the Iraqis secure their capital." OMG!, we have been at this clusterfuck for four years and we still haven't even secured the capital! Why does anyone believe involvement for one more minute is to our advantage?

These past four years have indeed been some of the darkest (hence the clever "noir" pun) in our history. Being old, I remember the very difficult times during the Vietnam war. One thing we had then that is missing now is an active draft, so we do not now have as active an antiwar protest movement as we did then because most people are not directly involved. However, even without that integral piece, the American public can not stand for this much longer. Surely, the citizenry will mobilize against this in greater numbers if we do not get out of Iraq. And if we begin military action against Iran, a revolution must be organized.

Let's imagine what we could have done in the immediately preceding four years that would have been preferable to invading Iraq:

• Almost anything (much too easy and glib, but true).
• Building on the unprecedented sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11 and the almost unanimous global support for effective action by the major nations of the world, the U.S. could have organized a cohesive group of major nations and the nations in the Middle East to effectively deal with the radical fringe that begets most of the terrorist actions. This could have been done by keeping the hearts and minds of the vast majority of the Muslim community that truly deplored and were horrified by the actions of the 9/11 terrorists. National consensus and the treating of the part of the Muslim community that had sympathy for us as partners rather than enemies would have done that. Let's face this realistically. You can't declare a "war on terror". Terror is a tactic, not an opponent. The advocates for this tactic generally arise from the citizenry. We will never have enough troops or police or be able to snoop on enough e-mails or phone calls or go through enough financial records to be even marginally effective against most such terrorists. A much more effective way would be for the vast majority of the citizenry from which such terrorists arise to be sympathetic to non-violent actions and to fail to provide the recruitment base and the haven for the terrorists. The only way for us to significantly improve our effectiveness against terrorists is to stop creating them by our inflammatory actions and make them so marginalized by their own community that they will be shunned and turned in by their friends and neighbors. The last four years has made them heroes and martyrs. You can't invade a sovereign country and destroy the fabric of its society and expect much cooperation from its people.
• Left Saddam Hussein in place and applied pressure through the consortium of nations to cause a regime change. He was effectively disarmed and was in a hold down mode through the use of the no-fly zones and the U.N. inspectors. It is unlikely that he would still be in power today if we had applied pressure like this. And we would not have paid the horrendous price in people and resources and squandered sympathy. Even if Saddam was still ostensibly in power today, we would be substantially better off and the Iraqis would be better off and capable of dealing with their own problems. We can not justify invading Iraq merely because Saddam was a dick. Following that theory would lead to the invasion of half the countries on the planet, starting with our own.
• Stabilized and fortified Afghanistan. Found Osama bin Laden and removed the terrorist training camps.
• Use the resources we squandered in Iraq to find better ways to secure our cities, ports, chemical facilities, infrastructure, etc. than we have done.
• Not eliminating the cornerstones of our own democracy while giving lip service to establishing it in other countries.
• Avoiding the politicizing of everything by the installation of cronies in agencies, courts, law enforcement, etc. Requiring something more than political allegiance as a qualification for appointment would have been a nice change.

If this were truly an effective pun, I could state that the "noir" years are coming to an end with a luminesence at the terminus of the underground labryinth. However, that tunnel seems just too freaking long and I'm afraid that by the time we reach the end, it will have all caved in.

Justice Is Served But Not In A Blunt

Thank God that a federal appeals court had the sense and decency to stem the use of the evil marijuana by saying that a dying woman could be prosecuted for its use, even if her doctor said it was necessary for her continued life. Any other decision would have led to millions of slackers voluntarily contracting terminal illnesses just so they could score some good ganja.

Unfortunately, under the present set of statutes, the result is probably legally correct. It just shows how batshit crazy our drug laws are.

Please, please let's get some rationality.

Another Thing I Just Don't Understand

Alberto Gonzales, your putative Attorney General, but really Bush, the Lesser's abogado, provided for indefinite detention, approved torture, viewed the Geneva Convention as "quaint" and otherwise wordfucked the Constitution and now he's going to get in real trouble because of some political U.S. attorney shenanigans.

I'm all for it but why, why only now?

Help me out here, I just don't understand.

Harbinger of Spring

Ah, baseball spring training has started. This has always been an indication to me that Spring was actually going to occur again and that the long nightmare of Winter (3 or 4 days in Austin) was over. Soon the regular season will return major league baseball to the coasts. This is important in view of the fact that the playoffs were abruptly cancelled last year when all teams from New York, Boston and Los Angeles were eliminated. Some teams from the middle of the country played some exhibition matches after that but since it was not important enough to be reported by the media, no one can be sure.

I'm So Confused...

Cheney says the announcement of the withdrawal of some of England's troops from Iraq is a sign of progress. Bush says we need to "surge" more American troops to make progress.

How freakin' stupid do they think we are. Oh wait! I know.

UPDATE: You know, I really would like to be wrong about this sometime but I'm not.

Dance Like No One's Watching

You're famous when you make it to YouTube. One of our favorite people has done so. She got the boogie in her.

Outrage Overload

I know that my reader has missed my posting since I haven't done anything for a couple of weeks. A combination of computer problems, laziness and inertia have contributed to this. However, I believe the most significant factor has been "outrage overload". That's the state of being so pissed off about so many things that you can't bring yourself to write about any because that would seem like ignoring the other, equally important topics. The Bush administration and the Repugs at large continue apace with their illegal, immoral and unethical practices. Torture, the "surge", usurpation of the powers of the others branches of government, illegal wiretapping and snooping, complicity with treasonous war profiteering, etc., etc., ad nauseum are all subjects that I would like to address in an intelligent and cogent manner. However, since that probably exceeds my grasp, I will rail out against such practices in a shrill, emotional voice. I plan to do that soon. Unfortunately, we have much too much time left in this administration to talk about its crimes.

In the meantime, if the Democrats and the few ethical Republicans that are starting to exhibit some backbone don't do everything they can to rein in this abomination, I will be forced to flagellate them verbally also. That should scare them straight.

Come on, guys, do something!