Sunday, November 09, 2008
Friday, November 07, 2008
Hey Conservatives, Thanks for All the E-mails!
Now that the election is over and peace reigns throughout the land, I just want to reach out to my Republican friends who were thoughtful enough to forward hundreds of e-mails to me setting out the many deficiencies of Barak Obama and the absolute chaos and destruction of the American way of life that would occur if he were to be elected.
You were kind enough to put forth enough effort to click the “Forward” button and enter my e-mail address so that I would not make the horrific mistake of voting for such a person. In particular, you warned me:
1. That he was a radical Muslim and would not recite the Pledge of Allegiance nor place his hand over his heart during the National Anthem nor wear a lapel flag pin,
2. That he was sworn into his past offices using the Koran,
3. That he is going to tax everybody until they can’t function and everybody will lose their jobs as a result,
4. That his campaign was being financed by Hugo Chavez,
5. That he is the one described in Revelation as the anti-Christ,
6. That he wasn’t eligible to be president because he wasn’t a natural born citizen and his birth certificate had been forged,
7. That he “blew off” U.S. soldiers during a trip to Afghanistan,
8. That he wanted to distribute the wealth,
9. That he wants to take away your guns, including your assault rifles used for hunting the savage deer,
10. That his house was paid for by felons,
11. That he was the gay lover of an “unrepentant terrorist”,
12. That Michelle ordered lobster and other expensive room service items at the Waldorf Astoria,
13. That he would require all of us to adopt a Muslim name;
14. That he was the most liberal man on the face of the planet and would immediately legalize all abortions during any stage in the pregnancy, and
about a hundred other items designed to scare all of us into not voting for him.
Now that the election is over, I wanted to thank you and to tell you all that you were all completely right! He is all of the things you said and has done all of the dastardly things you outlined but 65,000,000 of us were too god damned stupid to realize it in time. So, I want to outline a few of the actions that you will be required to undertake starting immediately after the inauguration.
1. Please gather all the handguns, shotguns, rifles and other items of self defense in your homes and carry them to the curb. Local members of the Bloods and the Crips will be by in their low riders to pick up the guns and keep them in a safe place guarded by the gangs. Don’t even think about hunting and if you bitch too much, we’re coming back for the fishing rods too.
2. When the guns have been picked up, please gather at least 50% of your net worth, convert it to cash (preferably Euros) and also carry it to the curb. When the gangs have completed the gun grab, they will return for the cash. This cash will be distributed to those that don’t need it but that have not worked in some time, so that the wealth will be more equitably distributed. Those getting pregnant specifically for the purpose of receiving money will be given priority. If you hold any of your money back, you will be prosecuted or shot with the guns you formerly owned.
3. Get prepared for the Rapture. Since Obama is the antichrist, he will attack Israel sometime during the next 7 years, which will cause Jesus to return and they will then throw down in the Battle of Armageddon. You might want to buy a really tall horse because the blood will run as deep as a horse’s chest in the valley of Megiddo.
4. You should all begin to choose your Muslim name. Ahmed, Osama, Yasser and Butch are all preferred. This will be entered into your birth certificate at the same time you have 666 tattooed on your forehead.
5. You should try to keep any pregnancies secret. Kinda like Bristol Palin. If your pregnancy is discovered, you may be required to undergo an abortion at any time.
6. You will be required to have at least one gay relationship. This can be marriage, an affair or just something on the down low. If you don’t voluntarily submit to this, roving gangs of homosexuals on welfare will take care of that for you.
7. The U.S. flag will be redrawn to include Muslim symbols. The words “under God” and “In God We Trust” will be removed from all pledges and currency. You will not be allowed to post a copy of the Ten Commandments on the wall of your home, much less on a giant hunk of granite in front of a public building.
8. Bibles will be collected and burned. The government will issue a pamphlet with all you need to know.
9. Large areas of the U.S. (starting with the Red States) will be turned over to terrorists. They will be allowed to practice flying planes into buildings, committing suicide bombings and throwing anthrax into your eyes for three days each week.
10. Prayers will be required in public schools. Just like you have always wanted. Just send your children to school with a mat and have them study enough geography to know which direction Mecca is.
So, don’t send me any more e-mails telling me how bad Obama was or is. We already know that and we acknowledge that you were right. We also know that even if all of these things were really true (for the sarcasm impaired, none are), we would still be better off than we were under Bush. Now STFU.
You were kind enough to put forth enough effort to click the “Forward” button and enter my e-mail address so that I would not make the horrific mistake of voting for such a person. In particular, you warned me:
1. That he was a radical Muslim and would not recite the Pledge of Allegiance nor place his hand over his heart during the National Anthem nor wear a lapel flag pin,
2. That he was sworn into his past offices using the Koran,
3. That he is going to tax everybody until they can’t function and everybody will lose their jobs as a result,
4. That his campaign was being financed by Hugo Chavez,
5. That he is the one described in Revelation as the anti-Christ,
6. That he wasn’t eligible to be president because he wasn’t a natural born citizen and his birth certificate had been forged,
7. That he “blew off” U.S. soldiers during a trip to Afghanistan,
8. That he wanted to distribute the wealth,
9. That he wants to take away your guns, including your assault rifles used for hunting the savage deer,
10. That his house was paid for by felons,
11. That he was the gay lover of an “unrepentant terrorist”,
12. That Michelle ordered lobster and other expensive room service items at the Waldorf Astoria,
13. That he would require all of us to adopt a Muslim name;
14. That he was the most liberal man on the face of the planet and would immediately legalize all abortions during any stage in the pregnancy, and
about a hundred other items designed to scare all of us into not voting for him.
Now that the election is over, I wanted to thank you and to tell you all that you were all completely right! He is all of the things you said and has done all of the dastardly things you outlined but 65,000,000 of us were too god damned stupid to realize it in time. So, I want to outline a few of the actions that you will be required to undertake starting immediately after the inauguration.
1. Please gather all the handguns, shotguns, rifles and other items of self defense in your homes and carry them to the curb. Local members of the Bloods and the Crips will be by in their low riders to pick up the guns and keep them in a safe place guarded by the gangs. Don’t even think about hunting and if you bitch too much, we’re coming back for the fishing rods too.
2. When the guns have been picked up, please gather at least 50% of your net worth, convert it to cash (preferably Euros) and also carry it to the curb. When the gangs have completed the gun grab, they will return for the cash. This cash will be distributed to those that don’t need it but that have not worked in some time, so that the wealth will be more equitably distributed. Those getting pregnant specifically for the purpose of receiving money will be given priority. If you hold any of your money back, you will be prosecuted or shot with the guns you formerly owned.
3. Get prepared for the Rapture. Since Obama is the antichrist, he will attack Israel sometime during the next 7 years, which will cause Jesus to return and they will then throw down in the Battle of Armageddon. You might want to buy a really tall horse because the blood will run as deep as a horse’s chest in the valley of Megiddo.
4. You should all begin to choose your Muslim name. Ahmed, Osama, Yasser and Butch are all preferred. This will be entered into your birth certificate at the same time you have 666 tattooed on your forehead.
5. You should try to keep any pregnancies secret. Kinda like Bristol Palin. If your pregnancy is discovered, you may be required to undergo an abortion at any time.
6. You will be required to have at least one gay relationship. This can be marriage, an affair or just something on the down low. If you don’t voluntarily submit to this, roving gangs of homosexuals on welfare will take care of that for you.
7. The U.S. flag will be redrawn to include Muslim symbols. The words “under God” and “In God We Trust” will be removed from all pledges and currency. You will not be allowed to post a copy of the Ten Commandments on the wall of your home, much less on a giant hunk of granite in front of a public building.
8. Bibles will be collected and burned. The government will issue a pamphlet with all you need to know.
9. Large areas of the U.S. (starting with the Red States) will be turned over to terrorists. They will be allowed to practice flying planes into buildings, committing suicide bombings and throwing anthrax into your eyes for three days each week.
10. Prayers will be required in public schools. Just like you have always wanted. Just send your children to school with a mat and have them study enough geography to know which direction Mecca is.
So, don’t send me any more e-mails telling me how bad Obama was or is. We already know that and we acknowledge that you were right. We also know that even if all of these things were really true (for the sarcasm impaired, none are), we would still be better off than we were under Bush. Now STFU.
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