Hey, President Bush, I Want the Job.

President George W. Bush

White House

Washington, D.C.

RE: Position of War Czar

Dear President Bush:

I have become aware that you are seeking to fill a position in your administration to which you have referred as a war "czar". This position would have as its objective the coordination of all your present wars. As best as I can reason this includes the following:

1. The war on drugs,
2. The global war on terror,
3. The war on immigration and immigrants,
4. The war on voter fraud and the war on U.S. attorneys that don't prosecute such fraud when it would aid in reducing votes for the Democratic candidates,
5. The war on Afghanistan and the search for Osama (you may have actually forgotten about this one, so forgive me if this one is irrelevant),
6. The war on poverty (this may also be incorrect because this was put in place by a Democrat and then killed by a Republican, so it probably should just be referred to as the war on poor people),
7. The war on Iraq, which is the crown jewel of achievements in your administration,
8. The war on agencies and departments being operated for competence and for non-political reasons,
9. The war on religion unless it is U.S. government sponsored,
10. The war on abortion,
11. The war on the other two branches of government,
12. The war on telling kids any thing about sex except "keep it in your pants".

I may have missed one or two but because you are, by your own admission (and actions) a war president, you really need a war czar just to catalog and list your wars, if nothing else.

I know that several generals and others with "war" experience have run screaming from the room when you asked them about their interest in this position, but you shouldn't get discouraged because I am here for you. My resume is attached and from it you can see that I am every bit as qualified to be war czar as some of your other stellar appointments were for their posts. Brown, Bolton, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld, Roberts and Bremer spring to mind as well as the new U.S. attorneys. I believe I could follow in the very large footsteps made by these giants of efficiency and competence.

However, there as some things about me that you would not readily pick up from my resume that I believe are relevant about me and the way I think. I believe that you will share my enthusiasm for me after you read the following list.

First, I am white, male and middle aged. I have made large contributions to the Republican Party in the past, both in terms of contributing money and in terms of monitoring polling place to keep brown skinned people from voting and in monitoring Tricky Rick Perry's eye in the sky to tell on people risking their life to better their life. I never had the opportunity to attend such a fine preparatory school as Regent University so I had to actually go to a real law school and compete for a job. I don't like that and that's why I'm looking for this gig. I figure that I can stall in doing anything until you are out of office and Halliburton has met Wall Street's expectations for 6 or 7 more quarters. This will set you and Uncle Dick up fine for the long run and allow you to keep the promises to them and others you made when they selected you to be the figure head. I fully expect the Medal of Freedom for this effort.

Secondly, I hold many beliefs in common with other true believers (29% now?) in the grand Republican party.

For example, I believe that Jesus loves you and wanted you to be president, speaks to you regularly (you do hear those voices in your head still, don't you?) and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary.

I know that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when your daddy, Bush the Elder, made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when you needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

I agree with you that trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

You, me and John Bolton think that United States should get out of the United Nations but our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

We all know that a woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

You have shown conclusively that the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, but deprive them of adequate equipment and slash veterans' benefits and combat pay.

It can't really be refuted that if condoms and sex education are kept out of schools and the students are told just to abstain, adolescents won't have sex.

I firmly believe that a good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Your appointees have proven that global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extra-marital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but your driving record is none of their business.

Being a drug addict and/or an alcoholic is a moral failing and a crime, unless it's you or if you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and our prayers are needed for your recovery.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what you did in the '80's is irrelevant.

You can see that I possess many of the qualities that you prize and that you have rewarded with position and promotion in the past, so I eagerly await your call.

Conservatively yours,

Othell Zilch, your friend and patriot

When Do We Mourn The Others?

We have been subjected to the truly awful pictures and story of the killing of 32 people at Virginia Tech. Both opponents and proponents of gun control have cited this incident as evidence that their position on this issue is correct. This is a terrible tragedy and we should grieve as a nation for the loss of innocent youth. Flags are flying at half mast to symbolize our collective grief. However, why do we not also grieve for the 34 people a day that die from accidental gun shots and homicides with guns in the US? Why do we not grieve for the much larger number of people each day that commit suicide by using guns? And also, why do we not grieve for the loss of innocent youth in Iraq, both US and Iraqi? Obviously, I don't have any answers but it seems that unbelievably short sighted policies relating to gun control and to the illegal war are at the center of these issues. As to gun control, the easy access to guns has to contribute. Guns do kill people. Bumper sticker philosophy aside, anybody who says differently is full of shit. If guns were less available, less gun violence would occur. Tragedies like Virginia Tech may still occur, but a lot of the other tragedies might be averted if a child didn't find a loaded gun in the bed side table or a drunk asshole didn't have a loaded Glock in the glove compartment of his truck when his "honor" is impugned.

Let's get real about this issue. The Second Amendment was never intended to allow access to assault rifles or semi-automatic weapons. When the Second Amendment was enacted, the weapons available to the populace were also the only weapons available to the government. To extend that thinking to the situation today, citizens should be able to own and use cruise missiles and nuclear weapons. Aside from the NRA, no reasonable person can assert this position credibly.

Let's do something constructive to stop the loss of young innocent life. Let's deal with guns and stop this insane war.