Things That Make You Go WTF?

“Maw, what’s on the teevee tonight?”
“Nothing, Paw, no reruns of Hee Haw, no Larry the Cable Guy and NASCAR’s not on on Tuesday.”
“What the hell are we gonna do then?”
“Well, if your porn files have downloaded, we could watch the border.”
“Great idea, we can hate on brown skin people and act like we’re protecting the good ole’ US of A at the same time. I’m sure them furriners are coming to take my job”.
“No, Paw, they’re probably over trained for that.”
Governor Rick Perry of the former nation of Texas has discovered the key to getting 38% of the vote. He has focused on “border security” with the motto “If the Feds won’t do anything to protect our borders, Governor Perry will”. God, that makes me feel safe. One of the keystones of his program is a plan to put a series of cameras along the border, which are accessible via the internet (a plan put to good use by the other porn sites) and deputize every God fearing, Latino hating red necked white person with a modem to view the cameras and report every transgression picked up by the unblinking eyes in the sky.
Perry, in an attempt to out cowboy that other pseudo macho dude ostensibly from Texas, has committed $5,000,000 to build this marvel of internet security. The first phase of the program was to install 12 cameras and run them for a month. The original cost for the month was $100,000 but cost overruns brought the overall price to $210,000+. The site went live three days before the election for governor. Wow, what a coincidence. It has now been shut down until a more detailed plan is developed. During the month, the site got about 27,000,000 hits and about 220,000 people registered to use it. If there was any doubt about the appeal of a xenophobic, jingoistic (warning, Thesaurus alert) site like this, all doubts have been erased.
It could be that the appeal of this site was the impression that it might be combined with the technology of the original internet hunting site and the cumbersome ideas of due process, fairness, compassion and the use of actual policeman could be eliminated. I’m not sure that Perry would be opposed to this if a vote could be obtained.
The $5,000,000 allocated for this project bears some further inspection. The Texas/Mexico border is about 1,000 miles long. If you assume that 25% is already fenced, is in a metropolitan area, is adequately guarded or policed or is basically unsuitable for crossing, that leaves 750 miles to be observed by the Perry Peepers. If we further assume that one camera can adequately cover about a hundred yards (putting aside for the moment that obstacles and technical issues, e.g. electrical power, maintenance, etc. may require more), that means that at least 13,500 cameras would be needed. Just for the sake of mathematical simplicity, let’s reduce that to 12,000 cameras. 12 cameras cost $210,000 for less than one month. Using simple ratios would mean that $210,000,000 would be required for one month operation of the full project. Let’s see Good Hair sell that one. I know that simple extrapolation like this is fairly inaccurate but you get the idea. This doesn’t even consider that this system should be fairly easy to avoid by cutting the power, avoiding areas where the border patrol is not present or shooting the cameras.
It should be apparent that this is intended only to pander to the worst instincts of the electorate and is a cynical, hypocritical attempt to garner political advantage on the back of brown skin people again.
Lord, won’t we ever learn?

Things that make you go Hmmm?

German scientists and condom advocates are proposing to develop a spray on condom. This is designed for use by the male and is not to be confused with a Chinese product that is already available but is used by the female. Condom use should be strongly encouraged. I believe we should have baskets of them on each street corner. They should be dropped out of airplanes. They should be free, freely available and stigma free. In the early years of my pharmacy career, state regulations provided that condoms could not be openly displayed in the pharmacy. If inspectors came by and condoms were visible, some points were deducted from your overall score. If your store was marginal to begin with this could have been a serious problem for the pharmacy. This lead to the infamous condom drawer in the pharmacy department and the hesitancy and embarrassment of some people to ask for and therefore use condoms. Situations like this were illustrated in the painfully awkward scene in the movie “Summer of 42”, where the teenager buys a magazine, an ice cream cone with sprinkles and hems and haws before he gets the courage to ask for a condom. This leads the pharmacist to be an ass and embarrass him even more. It’s funny and painful to watch but situations like this lead to people avoiding the hassle and therefore not having a condom when the need arose. I’m sure you know that the urge to have sex is stronger than the urge to be safe, so I feel safe in saying that more than one pregnancy occurred and more than one sexually transmitted disease was transmitted because of this short sighted arrangement.
Having said all that, let’s review the male spray on condom concept for a moment. The advantage to this, the developers say, is that it is effective for all sizes. The concept is for the penis to be inserted into a type of spray can whereupon at the push of a button, rotating nozzles coat the throbbing member with a latex spray and voila!, a condom is created, which is custom sized for the participant.
I hope this works and is widely used. However, here are some problems I envision. Carrying a spray can around in your wallet will lead to uneven sitting and back problems. When I was younger, we carried around the single condom until it made an impression on the outside of your wallet and was so old that when you opened it, it probably had turned to dust. However, you could sit on it without much pain. Also, some of you will recall the condom dance, the unwelcome interlude in a process where the last thing you want to do is stop. The fumbling for the package, either in your wallet, your pocket or the bed side table. The often ineffective attempt to open the package that was not designed to be easily opened with fingers that, for whatever reason, usually did not provide the best traction. That was followed by the ritual installation and unrolling. Often this takes place in a dimly lit environment so you can’t readily tell the proper direction to unroll it. So you place it up there and begin to install. If you guessed right, it fairly easily unrolls and fits into place. If you placed it there upside down, you are left with two options: either take it off and turn it over and reinstall (all this with the admonition in our heads that we have heard before that this increases the chance of future child support obligations) or force it into place hoping that it will unroll in kind of a reverse order as you force it into position. Most males know that we have evolved into a creature with a brain and a penis but with only enough blood to operate one of them at a time.
Now, let’s run that again, using the spray on condom. There’s still the same awkward interruption while you get the spray can from your back pack, the glove compartment of your car or the bed side table. I’m assuming that this would be most effective only if you insert your appendage while it is in the most turgid state. So you lower a hollowed out spray can over your hoo-hah and hit the button. Hopefully the can is calibrated so that you only have to hit the button once and the proper amount is dispensed. I don’t think that it would be very effective to leave that decision up to the male at that point. The hitting of the spray button is presumably followed by the standard whoosh of a spray can, which signifies that the latex is being dispensed. The developers think that a five second burst will be sufficient for adequate coating. I’m guessing here again but most aerosol delivered products are dispensed at less than body temperature. The releasing of the propellant creates a distinctively cooling effect in most sprays. I’m also assuming that a suitable curing and drying time is required. So you are in the throes of arousal and you stop to place yourself in a spray can that coats you with cold latex. I’m thinking this will act as an effective birth control device in and of itself. The discussion: “Oh, baby, I love you. Hold it right there and let me do this.” Whoosh! “Oh! Never mind. Is Letterman on?”
Like I said: Condom use good. Proper use good. Right size good. Cold, wet genitals, not so good.

World Aids Day

Today is World Aids Day. This frightful disease is killing millions of people. And no one seems to care. Actually, that's an overstatement. Many people care, like these. Just not enough people yet. However, you can always count on Bush's government to come up with workable and common sense solutions to this and many other problems. Not!

Age, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Wait, maybe experience?

One of the few advantages of growing old is that you gain experience. Whether the experience is relevant to anything is subject to debate, but you get experience, whether you want it or not. I have been in the business world for 40+ years. During that time, I have filled prescriptions for retail pharmacies of all sizes from single person apothecary shops to mega chains and for hospital pharmacies. I have attended 4 institutions of higher learning. I have two professional degrees. I have practiced law for a medium sized firm, a large firm and as a sole practitioner. I have been in-house counsel for two very large companies. I have been married twice. I have fathered at least three children and been a step parent to two more. I have lived in three states. I have bought 6 or 7 houses and multiple cars. I have observed the people with whom I have come in contact during all these situations and I have made a seriously large number of mistakes during this period, all of which translates into experience. As a result, I have devised a number of rules to live by. Some spring from my own experiences and mistakes. Some I have gleaned from observation of the other people in my world. Some are my own words and some are completely stolen from others. Some are intended to be serious. Some are stated in humorous terms but hopefully convey a serious message. Others are just silly. Indulge me, it’s my blog.

1. Observe scrupulous honesty in all dealings, except maybe the small personal ones like “Do these pants make my ass look big?” This can not be over emphasized and is an integral part of many of the other rules here.

2. Tell bad news (and all of it) immediately. There is a tendency to refrain from telling clients, employers, significant others, children, etc. bad news ostensibly to protect them from it. Really it’s just that you don’t want to do it. Things like: “Your appeal has been denied”, “I’m being sued for sexual harassment”, “I’ve been fired”, “Your sister is carrying my baby”, “Your hamster just died”, really don’t get better with age. They also don’t get easier to tell. Telling the bad news, apologizing for it, if necessary, taking the lumps and getting on with your life works much better than attempting to cover it up or hope it will go away. We have all seen high profile examples of this.

3. If you have to eat shit, take big bites. This is a corollary of Rule 2. If you have to take on a task that is difficult or unpleasant, get it done. If you are beaten, humiliated or embarrassed, deal with it, get it over with. Don’t procrastinate. Don’t avoid. It will not go away.

4. Don’t screw a client, either literally or figuratively. Two lawyers are walking down the street. A beautiful girl walks by. One of the lawyers says “Man, I’d like to screw her.” The other lawyer says “Out of what?” This illustrates both points. If you are a professional (attorney, accountant, financial adviser, clergy, etc.) and you provide services to others, in a lot of situations, the client will be in a vulnerable state. This vulnerability extends to both material (money, property) and immaterial (sex, emotional involvement). Resist strongly any temptation to take advantage of that vulnerability. Rule 1 above should cover any questions about the material matters. As to the other, if you are going to get romantically or emotionally involved, end the professional relationship first. You can not adequately provide ethical services to the client if you are also sexually involved. Disbarment, divorce, malpractice, etc. are just some of the risks you run with this.
A corollary to this rule is “Don’t screw anybody with whom you work”. I mean this more literally than this discussion above. This is also expressed as “Don’t fish off the company pier”, “Don’t dip your pen in the company ink” and “Don’t get your p***y and your paycheck at the same place”. I have observed the problems this causes on more than one occasion. Law firms are probably one of the places in which this occurs most frequently. You have highly motivated, successful, egotistical people thrown together for long periods of time, so it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that this happens with alarming frequency. Or maybe I have just associated with some very horny people. In any event, this almost always ends badly also. One or both of the participants frequently loses a job. Firms split over this stuff. Emotions flare and feelings are irretrievably harmed. Two lawyers share an administrative assistant (formerly a “secretary”). One says to the other: “Are you screwing our secretary?” “No”, the other replies. The first says “Good, then you fire her.”

5. Never play poker with a man called “Doc”. Obviously, this applies to more situations than just cards. Anybody with enough experience and cachet in a business situation or card game that is well enough known to have a nickname or inside information, is in a superior position to you. As Matt Damon’s character says in the movie “Rounders”: “If you can’t spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.”

6. Never eat at a place called “Mom’s”. Make of this one what you will. Any place or anybody that needs to advertise themselves in such a manner, needs to be regarded with a healthy dose of skepticism.

7. Never pass up a chance to pee. This needs to be taken literally at my age. Even when you don’t need to go, you will shortly, so go now. Figuratively, it means don’t pass up opportunities because you think they will come by again. They may but not at the right time.

8. Never go to bed with someone who has less to lose than you do. If your partner doesn’t have as much invested in the situation as you do, it will end badly for you. I also refer to this as the “Bill Clinton rule”. Bill violated this on more than one occasion. Come to think of it, everybody had less to lose than he did.

9. Live each day to its fullest. Carpe diem and all that crap. This is the sort of thing that appears on greeting cards and inspirational posters. As a result it tends to get marginalized and ignored, particularly by young people. They don’t fully appreciate that the days you have are finite. As you get older, like me, you see the wisdom of this short statement. Having a friend’s mother die in her sleep at the age of 50 without prior symptoms brought this home to me. On your death bed, you will never wish you had spent more time at the office. A cliché, sure, but the truth.

10. Do not confuse the amount of money you make with your worth to society. Movie stars, professional athletes and rock stars make a lot of money. Attorneys make a lot more than the average worker. Does this mean that Russell Crowe, Alex Rodriguez and Britney Spears are more valuable members of society than your local cop, your dad that works in construction or the minimum wage maid that works a second job to help support her family? Obviously not. If you are lucky enough to make some money, appreciate it, support your family well, share it and don’t look down on those who, for whatever reason, don’t make as much.

11. If the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. This is not so much a rule as a manner of looking at the world that you should try to avoid. It literally means that if you only know how to do one thing, you will try to force everything you approach into that mold. Attorneys fall into this approach because of familiarity, laziness or lack of creativity. There are many ways to get to your goal and being creative with the journey sometimes can be the best part.

Are these rules important? Some are, some not so much. Pick and choose to see if there is any wisdom hidden in this. Have I violated some of these rules? Yes, most of them and have almost always regretted it. Why am I writing like Donald Rumsfeld talks? Goodness gracious, I just don’t know.

Things For Which I Am Thankful!

OK, everybody does a blog post this time of year on what they are thankful for and why they are thankful. Generally this is for big stuff: family, children, significant other, world peace, surviving a serious illness, etc., etc. I too am thankful for all the big things. I have been exceedingly blessed with my family, children, wife, job, health to the extent that it almost goes without saying. I truly hope I never get what I deserve because that would be a serious reduction in what I have now. So, the big stuff is taken care of and here is some small stuff for which I am thankful (not an exhaustive list and in no particular order):

• warm weather-being able to exercise outdoors in shorts and tee shirt in January
• hitting a series of green lights when I need to be somewhere soon
• the laughter of small children at play
• the enthusiasm of dogs for almost anything
• sunlight shining through trees onto water
• being able to vote, even though I rarely vote for the winning candidate
• the sincere smiles of strangers
• association with younger people
• learning something new
• being pleasantly surprised by the quality of a restaurant meal
• elevators and escalators
• frozen Margaritas (with salt) and queso
• the easily discernable but not overpowering fragrance of a women wearing good cologne
• a book, television show or movie that is enertaining, well done and aimed at someone with an IQ in excess of a house plant
• baseball (any level), viewed in person on a soft summer night
• the smell of rain on a summer day
• a full night's sleep
• a shaded country road in the summer
• easy open containers that actually do open easily
• things that work as they are supposed to for a long time
• people that do the same
• the feel of my favorite shirt
• the sound of the exhaust of a really nice, powerful car
• e-mail and the internets
• being able to express myself in this blog without fear of anybody reading it (except possibly the NSA).

So thanks for these things, big and small. Thanks a lot!

Cliff Clavin moment Number 2: J.R.R. Tolkien's Full Name

J.R.R. Tolkien's full name was John Ronald Reuel Tolkien. He was the author of The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I have read many fantasy books as a result of getting hooked on his writings at an early age. He was born in South Africa and as a child was bitten by a baboon spider. The doctor that treated him for this bite probably served as the model for Gandalf in his later writings. He later moved to England, graduated from the University of Oxford and fought for the British in WWI. He contracted trench fever during the war, which a bacterial infection carried by lice. Isn't war a noble enterprise? His first civilian job was with the Oxford English Dictionary where he worked on words of Germanic origin that began with the letter W. He would have killed in that category on Jeopardy. He later worked in academia and during this time he wrote the works for which he is famous. He disliked automobiles and rode a bike for most of his life. He died in 1973.

Thank you for your work J.R.R. or John Ronald or John Ronald Reuel, whatever you would have liked to have been called. You expanded my horizons.

What did we do before Wikipedia?

Sunday Morning Dog Blogging

Taters blows out the candles on her birthday cake on her third birthday on Nov. 11. (below), while Buster is more interested in playing with Taters' birthday present when Taters is not looking.

Basking In the Afterglow

OK, the election has come and gone and my worst fears were not realized (see previous post). The Democrats got almost as much as they could have possibly expected and regained control of both the House and Senate. This has already begun to bear fruit. Bush has expressed a desire to a bipartisan approach to governance. What this really means remains to be seen. The Repug’s idea of a bipartisan approach before this election was to allow Democrats to apply lubricant before they were sodomized.

In addition, Bush’s dad has come to try to bail him out again. Has this guy ever successfully completed a task either with or without the support of the familia? Bush (the elder) has now thrown Rumsfeld under the bus. Bush (the lesser) is only the messenger (not a change). Bush (the elder) has run in some of his old cronies, including Mr. Gates and Mr. Baker. They will attempt to come up with something in Iraq that the Democrats can support and that will allow Bush (the lesser) to save a little face. This is an amazingly familiar recurring pattern. Whether it is covering up a DUI or a drug problem, keeping him out of Vietnam, destroying records of an AWOL military performance, bailing out a bankrupt oil company, letting him play at working for a baseball team, getting almost all the boys a state to play with or trying to put lipstick on the worst looking pig of an administration ever, Bush (the elder) has had a full time job getting his cronies to prop up his idiot child.
This election is a good start but 2008 can not get here soon enough for our country.

Hurry sundown, please hurry.

Looming Election

Of course, the mid-term elections occur this Tuesday. We have already early voted and have been fairly active with MoveOn.org in making calls to recruit other callers and we are also hosting a Rock The House (and Senate) calling party this weekend. All the polls seem to point to significant Democratic gains and I pray that this is the case. However, I can't even contemplate what it will mean if the Republicans retain control of both chambers of the legislature. When Bush had the hubris to claim a mandate with 51% of the vote in 2004, I put a bumper sticker on my car that reads: "Mandate, My Ass!". It remains there today. However, if the voters see fit to keep the Repugs in power (without another election being Diebolded), then it seems that it may be a mandate and that the U.S. deserves what it gets.

Lord, deliver us from evil.

Job Duties

As I explained in the post below, when I was young my parents ran a dairy farm. I was about 8 to 10 years old and a little young to actually do the milking. In those days, after the milking machine was done, the remainder of the milk had to be stripped from the cow's udder. Both my mother and father did this. One of my jobs was to stand behind the cows with a large shovel and anticipate when the cows decided to take a dump. This was generally preceded by the raising of the tail and other characteristic movements (by the cow, not my parents). Also, for those not familar with barn yard bowel movements, cows do not deliver in neat, orderly packets like horses but rather deliver it in a fairly liquid like consistency. When the cows delivered their execretory gifts, my duties included catching it in the shovel before it hit the floor and spattered all over somebody. I have been practicing law for the past 32 years and my duties during that time have been basically the same as they were in the dairy barn.

Go Crazy, Folks!

Let me make a confession. I am a fan of the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team. Let me make another confession. I admit to being a fair weather fan this year. With the way they played the last half of the season, I remarked that I almost hope they don’t make the playoffs, because if they don’t, I can quit caring and waiting for the inevitable (or so I thought) early elimination of this team. One of my sons reminded me that I didn’t want that to happen because it would rank as one of the biggest collapses in major league history. He, of course, was right so I just became silent about the whole thing. This team won only 83 games, for Christ’s sake. It bore no resemblance to the powerful St. Louis teams of the past two years (both 100 win seasons or better). This year’s team had two losing streaks of eight games each and another streak of seven games and were still in first place after each losing streak. No team in history has had more than one losing streak of eight games in a year and remained in first place at the end of such streak. St. Louis could have had three such streaks this year but they managed to break the last one at seven games. If they had lost the eighth, they still would have had a half game lead. It was conventional wisdom that the NL Central was such a bad division that no one coming out of that division would ever make an impression in the playoffs. St. Louis had to back into the division championship by virtue of the Astros losing to the Braves on the last day of the season. Had the Astros won, the Cardinals would have had to play a make up game with the San Francisco Giants on the next day and if the Cardinals had lost that, they would have had to play a tie breaker with the Astros. Not the stuff of which World Series champions are made. However, in spite of all that mediocrity, the Cardinals beat the Padres, Mets and Tigers in playoff series to emerge as champions. They were heavy underdogs in each but somehow managed to persevere in each. I still don’t believe it and would not say or write anything about it until it was over. Maybe it is safe to do so now.
Let me tell you why I am a Cardinal fan. As you know, I’m an old guy. I was raised in a very rural setting. My parent’s were farmers and among their farming ventures was the running of a dairy farm in rural Arkansas. The cows had a new barn with refrigerated water to keep the milk from spoiling, hot water to sterilize the equipment, modern milking machines and scientifically balanced diets. We had cold water piped to the back porch of the house (not inside), no indoor bathroom, no telephone, no television, bedrooms that were not heated, wood heat in a couple of the rooms of the house and Mom cooked on a wood stove. We walked to the outhouse and bathed in a washtub in the kitchen in the winter and out in the backyard in summer, when we didn’t bathe in the creek in the swimming hole at the end of the day. We were poor and we were rural, but I didn’t know it and I didn’t suffer for it. My parents were educated and progressive (at least for that part of the world) and made sure that I would get an education. After the work day was done in the summer, we generally congregated on the front porch. We read, we talked, we listened to the sounds of the country night and we listened to the one radio that we had. We had one station that we could receive with any kind of clarity on a consistent basis. It was KWHN in Ft. Smith, Arkansas. They carried Cardinal baseball. At that time, the Cardinals were the most westerly located major league baseball team. The Dodgers were still in Brooklyn, the Giants were still in New York and Kansas City didn’t have a team yet. My Dad and I and sometimes my Mom, would spend most summer nights listening to the Cardinals play. At that time, Harry Caray was their announcer. He had not yet been involved in a dangerous triangle with one of the Busch boys and his wife and had not yet become the much imitated and parodied joke that he would become later in Chicago. He was the sound track of my summer nights. At some point, his sidekick became Jack Buck. When Harry left, I worried that Jack could not do the Cardinals justice. How wrong I was.
I lived and breathed Cardinal baseball. It was an imprimatur that has not been dulled and will not ever be erased. Stan Musial, Ken Boyer, Don Blasingame, Red Schoendist, Curt Flood, Wally Moon and others were an integral part of my childhood. I followed their exploits like they were super heroes. One of the few extravagances that I was allowed was a Cardinal yearbook. Ordered every year and eagerly awaited in the mail, it had an outline of every major league park, the records of all the clubs, major league baseball records and information on the Cardinal players. I devoured its contents and kept it by the radio for quick and easy reference.
I did not get to see my first Cardinal game in person until I was a senior in high school. My girlfriend’s parents invited me to accompany them to St. Louis to a game. Although less than 500 miles, it took us two days to make the trip. I slept on a cot outside in a park somewhere in Missouri in route and loved every bit of it. At that time, the Cardinals still played in Sportsman Park and standing room only tickets were all we could get. I could only see part of the field from where we ended up standing and Sandy Koufax and the Dodgers shut out the Cardinals 1-0. It was great even if the Cards lost.
I inflicted my feelings for the Cardinals on my children. I recall a twi-night double header in St. Louis with the Dodgers that got started late because of rain and then the first game went into extra innings. My boys toughed it out and my very young daughter slept on bleacher seats until 3 am. The Cardinals swept both. Nothing else mattered. My boys and even my daughter carry on the passion until this day. My sons could only say “Holy Crap, this might happen” as the Cardinals got closer and closer to the championship. I called them both as the fifth game came to a conclusion and the Cardinals were dog piling on the field. All we could do was shout incoherently at each other. It was great.
There have also been times in my life when my relationship with my children was not as good as I wished it could be. Becoming involved in a divorce with their mother will sometimes cause that. However, even when we couldn’t talk about other things, we could always talk about the Cardinals. They have been a constant in my life. Much like the speech about baseball that James Earl Jones gives in “A Field of Dreams”. Thank you, Cards. Thank you kids. I love you.

Things I Swore I Would Never Blog About.

When I decided to start this little blog, I understood that it would probably never be read by more than 2 or 3 people and that was all right with me. Besides the obvious narcissism of writing a blog anyway, it was designed to allow me to express my thoughts about the world in general in a kind of stream of consciousness way. I also gave some thought to the things and people I would write about. I decided that some things and people were just too unimportant or too odious to address. Conservative commentators fit both those categories. Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter and the ilk are just not worth the time and effort to address. To anyone that hasn't drunk the Republican Kool Aid, their shrill support of an illegal war in Iraq and the multitude of incompetent actions by the non-elected president just doesn't warrant response.

However, because this blog was also designed to be therapeutic and cathartic, I need to address Rush Limbaugh and his response to the Michael J. Fox campaign ad. I know Rush won't read this and if he did it wouldn't change his mind (I'm not sure he believes half the stuff he feeds his ditto heads, anyway) and I know that nobody else that believes the shit that he puts out would accord this any merit. So, this is just for me.

The people that just heard Rush on the radio weren't privy to his actions when he alleged that Michael was either exagerrating the effects of his Parkinsonism or was off his medications. When he did it, he squirmed and rotated in a fashion that mocked Michael's involuntary movements in the ad. Crooks and Liars has video here. In any case, Rush allowed that Michael was just a dupe of the Democratic Party. As you know, Michael was doing an ad for a Democratic candidate in Missouri, whose opponent is an opponent of stem cell research. That was all the ad was about. It wasn't advocating killing babies so celebrities could live or requiring that Missourians engage in same sex marriage with a clone of Abe Vigoda. It was pretty simple in its purpose and application. Michael was basically saying: "Stem cell research might benefit people with conditions like mine and I am supporting this candidate because he shares that view". Not terribly controversial stuff. However, Rush went off on it like it was a message from Beelezub or Hillary. He writhed and moaned and mocked and giggled and engaged in the basest of human expression.

It's terribly easy to find things wanting in Rush. His reactionary opinions notwithstanding, his fondness for large doses of narcotics, his illegal purchasing of same, his firing from ESPN for racist comments (what a shock!), his detainment for possessing double handfuls of turgidity enhancing drugs when returning from an all boys' outing to a tropical island (Hold on a minute, I just threw up in my mouth) and others of which we are not aware makes him an almost indefensible target. But this is just too much.

I suppose Rush's next act will be to act dead like Pat Tillman, shuffle around like Max Cleland or imitate any kind of physical ailment of people who have views that he does not share. It really would have been easy to disagree with Michael's view about stem cell research and present a cogent opposing view (well, not so easy for Rush to be cogent) and not engage in attacking the messenger. Rush is not capable of that. His ilk can not address the substance so they engage in ad hominem attacks.

I really hope that the God that Rush invokes so casually really exists because I believe she would have a special place for people like that.

Hey Rush, imitate this.

Things You Have To Believe To Be a Republican

None are original, but all are true:

Things You Have to believe to be a Republican:

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad
guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then
demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health
care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the
best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extra-marital affair is an impeachable offense,
but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is
solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George
Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for
your recovery.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but
what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.

Jim Gaffigan in Dallas this weekend

Had the opportunity to see Jim Gaffigan in Dallas at the Majestic Theater over the weekend. If you are not familiar with the name, you probably have seen him in commericals such as for Sierra Mist. He's the tall, goofy looking guy playing a airport security officer where the TSA officers are taking somebody's Sierra Mist for themselves. In one of the commericals, he snaps his latex glove in preparation for a body cavity search. That convinces the owner of the Sierra Mist to give it up. Part of his running schtick is a bit about the microwave food "Hot Pockets". It is unlikely that Nestle will ever use him for one of their commercials. See one of his bits on hot pockets here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4Z_eTJq3bY

Cliff Clavin moment Number 1: German Chocolate Cake

Here's something I didn't know. German chocolate cake has nothing to do with Germany. It came from a recipe from a homemaker in Dallas in 1957 that used German's Chocolate, which was developed by Sam German, an Englishman, in 1852 for Baker's Chocolate Company. All this time, I thought it was done with rich Bavarian chocolate, created by those industrious and meticulous Germans. Not so, but still tantalizingly delicious.

The Commercialization of Icons

I'm just watching the NLCS between the Mets and the Cards and a Chevy commercial comes on. It has images of Rosa Parks, Dr. Martin Luther King, lower Manhattan with the beams of light where the World Trade Center towers once stood, pictures of political protests during the 60s and several other memorable images. The sound track is provided by John Mellencamp and the commercial ends with "This is your country. This is your truck."

Am I too cynical to think that this demeans and marginalizes the memory of these important people and significant events? Am I just an old fart fussing about nothing in particular, just to have something to bitch about? Does anybody else care about this?

Help me, I'm growing old.

In the meantime, the Mets scored. The world is going to hell.

UPDATE: The Cardinals come back and win. There is some cosmic justice.

Halliburton R' Us

Tonight we saw the film "Iraq For Sale" in a local coffee house. The film outlines the lack of oversight over independent contractors in Iraq and the abuses, both in monetary matters and matters of policy, such as torture, to which such lack of oversight leads.

The film is not particularly well made and tends to be disjointed and maudlin in parts but it does completely piss you off if even a portion of what it purports to convey is accurate.

It points out what everybody already knows, i.e. that these companies are politically well connected through past associations (Cheney and Halliburton) or through large political donations. Halliburton charges the U.S. $100 for doing one bag of laundry and does such a bad job of it that some soldiers try to do their own laundry but were told that they were forbidden to do it themselves. Halliburton also provided contaminated water to the troops and have continued to be paid. All of this under cost plus contracts that causes them to ignore any thoughts of cost savings.

CACI operatives were involved in the torture abuses at Abu Ghraib and the soldiers involved were being supervised by independent contractors. That is a travesty.

Ever since the friends of Bush the Elder decided during the Kuwait war that war was a bitchin' business model, the same cabal of defense contractors and oil companies have been looking for a malleable president and a convenient war.

They have found both and their profits are obscene.

And nobody's looking.

Hey, Maybe I'm Just Sight Impaired, Not As Stupid As First Reported

It has been reported that a study, jointly undertaken by Case Western and the National Institute of Health, has theorized that older people (e.g. yours truly) do worse on certain written tests because of their eye sight not because of mental deterioration.

When younger test takers were given tests with the font blurred to simulate declining eye sight, the younger test takers' scores were more in line with those of older test takers. This suggested that eye sight rather than cognitive ability may contribute more to this than previously thought.

This news was welcomed by really old people, who as parents had told my generation that all that self pleasuring would make you go blind and crazy and grow hair in the palm of your hand. Now they say, "We were almost right all along, it just made you blind and stupid."

Oh, well, thank goodness for Lasik surgery, cheap reading glasses and Nair.

That's A Obscenely Large Number, However You Look At It.

655,000 Iraqis, 2,700+ U.S Troops, including 44 in just this month so far. Respected scientists, using accepted methods, have estimated that 655,000 Iraqis have died as a result of the war. Most of them by violent means. Conservatives have jumped all over the report and tried to discredit it. Bush just doesn't find it "credible". OK, let's assume, arguendo, the number is way high. Say it's really out of whack and it's off by 100%. You can't trust those guys at Johns Hopkins to get any thing right anyway. Even if they exaggerated the number by a factor of 2, that's still 325,000 more or less. Does that make the war any less obscene? I don't think so.

And from which focus group did the word "caliphate" come? Bush used this term four times in his Rose Garden mumble fest yesterday. Maybe it came up on his desk calendar of middle eastern words that sound like something bad if you squint and gesture when you say them.

Protect us from idiots and liars.

Hey, all they needed was a good excuse!

As I pointed out in a post below, it is pathetic that it took a sex scandal to focus the ire of many undecided voters on the shortcomings of the Repugs. There was certainly a plethora of reasons to vote against them, even beginning before the 9-11 boon to Repug re-elections.

I don't know if the current polls showing increased disdain for the Republicans will carry over to the elections and be reflected in actual votes cast. I can only hope. Maybe there was this pent up tension in some undecideds because we all hate to admit that we were wrong and if these people voted for the Repugs maybe they were just holding on to the notion that they were right somehow and eventually it would all be made clear to them.

Then, BAM, a salacious sex story comes along. A homosexual sex scandal, even. Some people seem to be more concerned that it was homosexuality than that it was pedophilia. There is no dishonor in homosexuality (unless you are a closet Republican) but pedophilia is the imposition of an adult's perversion on a powerless child. It matters not whether it was homosexual, the crime is the taking advantage of one's powerful position to prey on the powerless. Come to think of it, sounds like the Republicans.

In any event, maybe this was the thing that can allow some voters to save face and move away from the black hole gravitational pull of the Far Right. They can say: "Hey, I supported those guys in all the stuff they did in the fight against terrorism, but I can't abide this". If that's the case, it's really sad that it took this to do it, but it's an ill wind that bloweth no man to good (no pun intended) and if it takes this to get Democratic control of the House and Senate, then this scandal may actually turn out to be a blessing in disguise for the United States.

Lord, help us all.

The Saddest Part of the Pedophile Scandal

Monday Afternoon Dog Blogging

Buster (lower) - a Scottish Terrier named for one of the feeble minded brothers in Arrested Development - apx. 6 months old.

Taters (upper) - a Wire Haired Fox Terrier named for a dog in an Ann Tyler novel that, upon further reading, turned out really to be "Tatters", but we like "Taters" anyway - apx. 3 years old.

Pun-ditry-None original, a few clever, fewer funny.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding; A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes from morons.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat
minor.

Show me a piano falling on an army post, and I'll show you a flat
major.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat (da
feet).

The poor guy fell into a lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of
himself.

The butcher backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

War, Deficit, Corruption, Predators, Oh, look at that shiny thing over there!

The White House released its new space policy on October 6 just to show it is on top of all things crucial to the well being of the U.S. One of the interesting parts is its strong stance on space debris:

"The United States shall seek to minimize the creation of orbital debris by government and non-government operations in space in order to preserve the space environment for future generations."

It would be peachy if they were so eager to preserve the planetary surface environment for future generations. However, you can expect to see the space policy change as soon as one of President Cheney's major supporters finds a way to make money by creating such debris. "You call it space debris, we call it life".

The Redemption of America?

After being severely disappointed after many elections (I've consistently voted Democratic for the majority of my adult life. I have some other votes that I'm not proud of and would like to do over), I hesitate to feel or express any optimism about a change in the control of the House or Senate in the upcoming elections. I was virtually certain of a Kerry win in '04 and the fact that it didn't happen still baffles me. I mean, even if the Repugs could steal a state or two with Diebold help, it still shouldn't have even been that close. There were so many problems with the Republicans that merely shouting 9-11 over and over shouldn't have swung the vote. Although, I guess that if there are still 3o%+ that give the administration good approval ratings no amount of reasoning will deal with some people. It is inconceivable to me that anyone except W's mother and the cabal of business interests that he is advancing with his actions could still approve of anything he does.
Having said that and still reserving my pessimism, I hope I see evidence of increasing revolt against the present Repug elected officials. In an unscientific poll, I have been counting the increase in anti-Bush or pro-Democrat bumper stickers. This poll has a margin of error of +/- 107%, but I believe that I am seeing a sizable increase in such stickers. Granted, I live in a blue part of a very red state and in other parts of the state, the trend may be different. I hope not. As further evidence, I have two stickers on my car. One I obtained shortly after the '04 elections when Bush was claiming a mandate and extensive political capital with a 23 vote majority with 500,000 of those stolen. That sticker has the traditional W in the circle with the slash through it but also says "Mandate, my ass!". The other sticker I got sometime later when I was feeling particularly frustrated and it merely says "Proud to be everything the right wing hates." I must say that I have almost unanimous positive feedback because of these stickers although I still get the occasional glare or the honk and the finger. I always consider that a successful day when that happens. Yesterday, I was on short time for lunch and was pulling through a local, non-chain fast food place. As I waited at the pay window, a man carrying some boxes tapped on the passenger side window. I rolled it down and he said, "I love your stickers. I own this place and I want to buy you a tee shirt. Tell the lady at the window, I said so." I thanked him and pulled around to the pick up window. By that time, he had dumped the boxes and was at the window. "I am so tired of all this shit", he continued. He then expounded on the most recent Keith Olberman comments, stating that the last one gave him goose bumps. I offered that we lived for Countdown, The Daily Show and Air America. He agreed. I am now the proud possessor of a cool tee shirt and a new friend.

I believe this is a real trend. I believe that anyone voting for a Republican in today's climate must either be an idiot or have a severe character flaw.

If this is not a real trend and my pessimism is well founded, I fear for this country. Lord, I really do.

2 Burning Questions: One about elevator etiquette

I have a question. Actually, two questions. Neither are relevant to anything or the other. However, one is: If someone asks a question and projects it into the blogosphere and nobody reads the post, is it really a question? Fairly existential, don't you think?

The other regards elevator etiquette. You are entering the elevator and you notice someone moving toward the elevator as if to enter. You hold the door and they make it in. They say "thank you" and you mumble or grunt something that substitues for "you're welcome". The question is then whether you are somewhat obligated to continue a conversation with then for the duration of the elevator trip or at the very least say "Have a nice day" or something equally inane to each other when the first one exits? There seems to be some kind of tension to do that when this occurs. Does it matter if other people are on the elevator with you? Does it matter if you are the door holder or holdee? Are there other factors involved? Does anybody think about this but me?

I know there were more than two questions.

More elevator questions on subsequent posts.

One of the (many) real tragedies in Predatorgate

As odious and sleazy as the Mark Foley matter is (and it definitely is [whatever "is" means]), one of the real tragedies in this is that it took a sexual matter to get some people stirred up about the myriad shortcomings of the Republican party. It didn't seem to matter much to some people that an obscenity of mammoth proportions was being foisted on them on a daily basis by the Republican administration (with complete complicity by the Republican congress) by the lies, deceits, half-truths, misinformation and utter negligent or intentional incompetence in the conduct of the invasion of Iraq and the war in Afghanistan. It took another blowjob or the suggestion of a blowjob to move these people. While the Foley matter and the cover up is regrettable, it involves a limited number of people and no one has died from this yet. Contrast this to the fact that more American soldiers and many more Iraqi civilians have died in this illegal invasion than were killed in 9-11, then the amount of outrage poured into Predatorgate as compared to the situation in Iraq is disproportional. Oh well, sex sells and homosexual sex gets the Republican base hot like few other subjects. All the while, Bush, Cheney and Rove are happy that this is taking their other crimes off the front page. That's another real tragedy.

The End of the Blogging Trend

Well, it's official. The blogging trend is dead. The official cause of death was old folks stumbling onto the internets and screwing it up for everybody else. The rest of the world has moved on to MySpace, Facebook, SecondLife, podcasts, iPods and I am just hitting the blogs. It is said that a million old people typing on a keyboard would eventually create a readable blog posting. Not necessarily true and I'm here to prove it. I'm the world's oldest baby boomer, being born in early January, 1946 and hitting the big six-oh earlier this year. This blog was created, as most are, out of excessive narcissism, and the idea that anything I think is of interest to anyone else. I recently read a humorous blog post that said that blogs are as easy to produce as your urine and almost as interesting to someone else. Having reached the age where producing urine (and eliminating it numerous times a day) is of great interest to me, I've decided to mark my territory. Watch your shoes.